The model of the stages of grief explains what is important and helpful in the individual stages of grief.
The loss of a loved one triggers sadness, conflict and crises. In order to better understand yourself in your own grief or other grieving people, it helps to know the basics about grief and its phases. LLC coach Cornelia M�llers presents Swiss psychologist Verena Kast's model of the stages of grief and explains what is important and helpful in the individual stages of grief.
How long grief lasts varies greatly, and the duration of the individual phases can also vary completely. The nature and duration of the grieving process are determined by the personality of the mourner, the circumstances of the death and the relationship with the deceased. The death of a person always comes as a shock, even if it is not unexpected.
Often the first reaction is not yet being able to believe what has happened. This first phase of grief is predominant. Many people are then frozen, distraught and apathetic. Others lose control and break down. This phase can last from a few hours to several weeks.
In this phase, it is important and helpful to support mourners in areas where they are overwhelmed, e.g. by taking care of everyday errands. It can also be supportive if assistance is provided with arrangements in connection with the death.
During this phase, it is important that the grieving person does not feel alone and is allowed to express all their feelings:
The second phase of grief is characterized by bursting emotions. Anger and rage can be directed towards God and the world or towards the deceased or even towards oneself.
Qu�lent feelings of guilt can arise that torment the grieving person. Suffering, pain and fear can come to the surface.
All these feelings that emerge at this time should by no means be suppressed. They help the grieving person to process the pain better. The duration of this phase is difficult to estimate, ranging from a few weeks to several months.
It is important and helpful in this phase:
In the third phase of grief, the focus is on searching and separating. We react to every loss by searching for what was and what was important. We look back in order to come to rest. This is an important step.
For example, some mourners adopt habits of the deceased, such as the ritual of filling bird droppings. Sometimes shared experiences with the deceased are collected, such as gemstones, and everything is revisited in memory: "I can still remember when he or she ...". In inner dialogues, we try to clarify open points.
This intense confrontation often creates a strong sense of encounter in the grieving person. This is incredibly painful and infinitely beautiful at the same time! This search often leads to deep despair because the darkness is still so powerful. Suicidal thoughts are relatively common in this phase. This phase can last weeks, months or years.
It is important and helpful in this phase:
After the pain has been shouted out, accusations and reproaches have been made, inner calm and peace gradually return. Then comes the fourth phase.
In this 4th phase of grief, the grieving person slowly recognizes that life goes on. The time comes to make new plans again.
In most cases, the mourner's attitude to life has changed. Because the grieving process has left its mark. The deceased remains a part of this life and lives on in memories and remembrance.
In this phase, it is important that ...
In conclusion, there is no such thing as a typical feeling or a typical reaction to the loss of a loved one. Accompanying a grieving person requires a high degree of empathy, openness and flexibility from you.
Cornelia M�llers is a life coach at pme Familienservice. She is a trained curative educator and systemic therapist.