Life situations coach Matthias K�nning gives tips on how to deal constructively with anger and resentment.
You can feel this anger in your stomach. This mixture of bewilderment, anger and resignation. You actually want to scream. Our life situation coach Matthias K�nning explains what you can try instead.
Do you know this? You are working from home and concentrating on your work. You're on an important business call and in the background you can hear the children bickering or shouting "Can I have something to eat?
You've already got up early and done the housework, looked after the children, called the sick parents and made appointments for various family members. You had hoped that you would now be able to work in peace, but you know inside that this will probably not work out once again.
You can feel the volcano bubbling up in your body and that you can no longer contain yourself at your child's first cry. And because you are a caring and good mother, you then shout something childish like: "What did I tell you? What did I ask you to do? But you could actually shout. You can feel this anger in your stomach, this mixture of bewilderment, anger and resignation. You could scream and still pull yourself together. And then you might even condemn yourself for it. After all, you want to be professional at all times and everywhere. And now what? Would you like to take a closer look with me?
As long as you feel anger and resentment, you are still alive and that is a good thing. You have a good portion of life inside you. There are legitimate, good reasons for your anger. You want solutions. You get to work! You have a lot of potential, and that's great. You should value and appreciate this positively.
If you are annoyed, this is initially just an expression of the fact that you do not agree with what is going on. You would like it to be different. So that it suits you. For example, you feel your need for order, structure, acceptance, control or whatever. You get to know yourself as a person with limits. You are neither a robot nor a superhuman. You are a vulnerable being and quite rightly have your own needs and desires. If the resentment comes up in a big way, listen to the inner voice that says: "Do something different! Don't put up with it! You have rights too! If you feel this need for more freedom, you can admit it to yourself first. Your own wishes are allowed and need space. Absolutely!
Have you ever really given yourself air and space with your voice? Shouted out everything that annoys you? Great if you can do that! Find someone who is happy to listen to your annoyance for a while and doesn't immediately dismiss it. Tell this person firmly what is causing so much trouble. Don't take things into consideration! Use your strength and throw a few good punches. Your opponent may say: �Yes, exactly! And what else?
If there is a space and an opportunity to let all your anger out, the fog of anger can clear and you will gain clarity. Above all, don't insult the wrong people who are nearby. Your children, your husband or your wife.
We often judge our anger and rage negatively and condemn ourselves for it. There is a good reason why these feelings arise. They want to invite us to change and give us the energy we need to do so. Refrain from making negative judgments and don't beat yourself up too much. It will be easier if you use this energy for yourself. What would you like to change? What can you change? And what would be the first step?
Imagine that in tense times you are sitting on a moving merry-go-round. You are constantly being asked to change horses and cars. You never have a moment's peace! While you are riding the first horse, the second one calls out that it would like a turn. In the background, the car honks because it finds your behavior totally unfair. What do you do? You dash back and forth and hope that you can somehow serve everyone. And are you surprised when, after a while, you just want to scream? You can't jump off and you can't change the carousel participants. Hopeless, isn't it? I'll let you in on a little secret.
Every carousel has a center. Nothing turns in this center and you will find absolute standstill. You can put a chair there and sit on it. You will be at peace there. So you could simply go to the center from time to time and take a short break. You can see that the carousel is moving on and you wave a little to all the challenges. You say that you are about to get back on, but now you take a short break. Pre�vention means: if you have so much responsibility that sometimes it just gets too much and you can't handle everything anyway, then you can at least be good to yourself for a moment. Not just at the end of the day, but every now and then in between.
To do this, find a chair in real life and sit down. Close your eyes and imagine that you are sitting in the middle of the carousel and become invisible. Breathe in and out deeply and give yourself permission to let go of all tension in your body as you exhale. The more often you do this, the less of a volcanic situation there will be when you have to scream.
And if you really want to let go and don't have anyone to listen to you? Then call our hotline if you are an employee of one of our client companies and clearly state your request: "I don't need any advice at the moment. Can I really get started and you can support me? I hope that you won't be held back, but that there will be space for you to unleash your anger.
Matthias K�nning ist Systemischer Supervisor und Familientherapeut (DGSF), ausgebildeter Konfliktkl�rungshelfer und Fachberater Lebenslagen-Coaching beim pme Familienservice.