"It happens in all social classes"

Family therapist and pme counselor Jutta Dreyer talks about domestic violence.

We speak to Jutta Dreyer, family therapist and counselor at the pme's life situation hotline Familienservice. The Lebenslagen-Hotline offers its contractual partners' employees anonymous and free initial and crisis counseling for women, children and other people affected by domestic violence.

Ms. Dreyer, where does domestic violence begin?

Jutta Dreyer: Domestic violence refers to violence that occurs within a couple or marriage. However, it can also be committed between siblings, against children by their parents or against parents by adolescent children. In our counseling sessions, we also often encounter cases where older people experience violence at the hands of their carers. In most cases, domestic violence happens in the home.

Domestic violence ranges from insults, prohibitions, threats and humiliation to physical, psychological, sexual and economic violence if the victims are financially dependent on the perpetrator. In most cases, those affected experience several of these forms of violence at the same time.

Who is affected by domestic violence?

Domestic violence exists in all social classes and anyone can be affected by it. As a rule, it is women who experience physical, psychological and sexual violence at the hands of their partners. There are also men who are victims of domestic violence. However, in four out of five cases, women are the victims.

You said that children are also victims of domestic violence.

If children live in the household, they are often victims of physical abuse themselves or are extremely affected because they have to witness the violence and the climate of fear and intimidation. The children often try to protect their mother and are exposed to conflicts of loyalty towards their father. The children usually suffer psychological consequences for a very long time and show behavioral abnormalities as well as anxiety and developmental disorders.

Have you noticed an increase in the number of calls from women affected by domestic violence since the outbreak of the coronavirus pandemic?

In the case of domestic violence, a distinction must be made between spontaneous conflict behavior and systematic controlling behavior. In the case of systematic violence, the perpetrator is concerned with dominating the relationship and exercising power. The victims here are almost exclusively women. Violence as spontaneous conflict behavior arises from affect when an argument or conflict escalates. Incidentally, women and men are equally affected by this.

In our counseling sessions, we have noticed that cases of spontaneous domestic violence have increased this year. The restricted freedom of movement during the lockdown has led to great stress for many couples. In particular, couples and families who were already having problems are under a lot of pressure, which now has no outlet outside of their own home, for example when playing sport or meeting others in person. Alcohol certainly also plays a role, as many people have increased their consumption within their own four walls during the lockdown.

Why do many women stay in relationships?

Many women are afraid that the situation could escalate at the moment of separation. This is why it is important in counseling to be very careful at this point, to develop an emergency plan and to put everything in place to protect the women and their children. On the other hand, many women have financial fears, are worried about taking their children out of their familiar environment and do not know whether they will be able to cope with the changes after a separation. Most men are also very loving again at times. The perpetrators often apologize after they have been violent and promise never to do it again. As a result, many women hope that things will get better again.

How can you help women to decide?

For many women, it is important that they are met where they are and that someone listens to them without exerting pressure or forcing them to make a decision. We inform them about their rights and the options for help and support so that they can decide for or against a separation. It is important that we draw a "picture" together with the women that includes a future that can work from their point of view. We want to encourage the women to recognize their strengths and resources and to see what they have already achieved.

If a woman decides to separate, how do you help?

Of course, this depends very much on the situation the woman is in. If the situation threatens to escalate, we do everything we can to protect her: we call the police for support or a cab if things have to move quickly. If the women want to leave their homes, we research women's shelters, look for other safe places such as boarding houses or think about which friends or relatives they could find a safe place with.

For many women, however, counseling is a first step towards finding out what the way out of violence could look like, what their options are and where financial help is available.

What to do if children are affected by domestic violence? How can they be protected?

If children are affected by domestic violence and we have the impression that they are in acute danger, then we are also obliged to act. I also advise mothers to inform the youth welfare office if their children are affected by violence. In my experience, the youth welfare offices are very well thought out and professional and try to support the families very well. We also have child protection experts in our counseling service who we can call in if we wish.

What many women don't know: There is a right to physical integrity. This means that the moment a person is threatened in their own home, it is decided through the courts that the home is awarded to the victim and the partner must leave.

What services are available for men who no longer want to be perpetrators?

There are programs for perpetrators, and they are very successful if the men are willing to get involved and want to change their behaviour. Anyone who would like to find out more can contact the men's counseling centers.

Thank you very much for the interview!

Jutta Dreyer is a family therapist and head of pme life situation coaching and also an executive coach at pme Familienservice.