In this interview, learning consultant Anna Uter appeals for more understanding, patience and confidence.
As soon as school has started, parents struggle with their children to achieve the desired learning success. Lots of homework, over-excited children and impatient parents make for a tense learning situation at home. This pushes all parties to their limits. Frustration quickly sets in. How can parents better understand their children and even help them to return to learning with more ease and joy? Learning consultant Anna Uter from LernLaden in Leipzig explains and gives practical tips.
Anna Uter: Children stop cooperating when they are under- or overchallenged. Both gifted children who are permanently underchallenged at school and children who are permanently overwhelmed will sooner or later lose interest in school. The problems can be manifold: They range from disinterest to avoidance strategies when they no longer want to do homework or go to school. If school has a negative connotation, this can even lead to psychosomatic symptoms. At best, children express this ("It's no fun!").
Negative beliefs such as "I can't do that anyway", "I can't make mistakes", "I'm too slow" quickly arise. Beliefs arise when the evaluation does not relate to the action, but to the person. In other words, when you don't say "What you did was good (or not so good)", but "You were good (or not so good)" or "You're disruptive, you're not focused".
You often see this with gifted pupils who quickly understand topics and contexts. They are quick to say: "But you're clever" or "But you're good". They do not associate the positive statement with their actions, but with their personality. That's why I often hear from gifted pupils in my parent counseling sessions that they start things and then stop again. This is because the children have been repeatedly told "But you're good". As soon as they reach a point in tasks where they can't make any progress, they no longer think about practising and trying again, but instead: "I'm no good".
Children who have to learn and practise more in order to succeed are better able to deal with setbacks or greater effort. They are told: "Look, what you have achieved is because you have practiced so well!". They don't relate this to their personality, but to their actions, which can be worked on. This way, the person does not suffer directly. Therefore, my recommendation for parents: praise the action and the willingness to make an effort and encourage them to continue! Not "You are unfocused and bad today", but "You could have practiced more here".
As a first step, parents should look at whether the problem lies with themselves or with the children. Therefore, first look inside yourself and ask: "Is it me that I can't bear it when my child doesn't do so well at school? Do I have too high expectations? Is something from my own childhood triggering me?".
Seeking help with this is an important recommendation. In counseling, we look at who has the motivation to come to us. Is it the pupil who notices that things are not going well, or is it the parents who notice difficulties at school? It is important for parents not to focus on their child's grades, but on their well-being. Talk to your child on a partnership level at eye level!
When working with children and parents, we look at all the factors that influence learning: Which school does the child go to? What are the conditions like at home? Does the child have peace and quiet at home? Does it have a full week and lots of hobbies? But above all, the child's learning personality is a decisive factor.
To explain the learning personality, let's take a look at the two hemispheres of the brain, which work in opposite directions. The left hemisphere controls the perception of time and processes information linearly. This means that it gives information structure and sequence, seeks order and works in a reductive way. It leaves little room for creativity. Pupils in whom the left half is dominant like rules and clear instructions and can be motivated extrinsically - i.e. from outside. In short, they often do better in the state school system. However, they also tend to black out more quickly or are not good at dealing with questions that cross the line.
In contrast, our creativity lies in the right hemisphere of the brain. Spatial perception dominates here, information is taken in holistically, visually and openly. You therefore think like in a spider's web. However, your thoughts travel faster and you often appear unfocused as a result.
In the best case, both hemispheres of the brain are well connected and work according to requirements. However, one half of the brain often reacts dominantly. We therefore have different ways of absorbing information. Therefore, it is not necessarily a question of wanting to, but a question of being able to or the available options.
Learning coaching can help to support this networking of the brain hemispheres by reflecting on your own learning personality and training learning strategies, thus giving you more room for maneuver.
The first thing parents should do is accept that the child needs support and not judge it negatively. If this is the case, it is advisable for parents to first look at themselves and work on their own beliefs: "Why does it bother me that my child is not learning the way I want them to? Why is it important to me what other parents or teachers think about my child?".
If the parents are relaxed, then the children are too. Because children are the mirrors of their parents' souls. To relieve pressure and anxiety, parents can also offer their support directly: "How can we help you to organize yourself better or keep an eye on the time?".
It is also important that the children are involved and that things are organized through dialogue. Instead of asking: "Why haven't you done your homework yet?", it is better to investigate the reason or the stumbling blocks: "What is preventing you from doing your homework today? What do you need to do better?".
Anna Uter has a master's degree in giftedness research and skills development and is a systemic consultant and energetic coach. She is co-founder of the Lernladen Leipzig.