Always pleasing everyone, being polite, accepting every task: learning to say no like People Pleaser.
Always trying to please everyone, being polite and ignoring your own needs: People pleasers take on every task and quickly run the risk of becoming stressed. In the worst case, it ends in burnout. How people pleasers can learn to say no.
(Note: The article was reviewed and co-authored by Mandy Simon, psychologist and systemic coach.)
"Sure, I'm happy to do it!". Do you know colleagues who always try to please everyone? Who fulfill their superiors' every wish, even if they have a desk full of tasks? Who help organize every Christmas and summer party? Then you're probably dealing with a people pleaser.
The first thing you do is shout "Here!", always want to help and be obliging: This behavioral pattern is called "people pleasing". This type of employee rarely says "no" and always tries to avoid conflict. They don't want to upset or disappoint others. They therefore accept every request for help and avoid conflict in order to maintain harmony and gain recognition.
"People Pleasing" means "pleasing people". It is not a medical diagnosis, but rather a colloquial term for people who do things to please others. It is a behavior that has been learned.
There's a little bit of People Pleaser in almost all of us. And that's a good thing. After all, it's the only way that community can succeed by being empathetic and showing consideration for one another. But if people constantly ignore their own needs and boundaries when people pleasing, pleasing can very quickly become unhealthy.
Do you recognize yourself in the description? But you're still not sure if the characteristics of a people pleaser apply to you?
Other signs of people pleasing are
Being a people pleaser is not a bad thing in itself. After all, these people are empathetic, friendly and helpful - in other words, very social people who also have many advantages for teams at work.
The advantages of people pleasers on the job are
Although the intentions of a people pleaser are good, this behavior can lead to stress and mental load . Because if you have a desk full of tasks, you shouldn't take on more to-dos, even if it's difficult to say no. If you work a lot of overtime, you also get stressed more quickly.
Sometimes people pleasers also allow themselves to be taken advantage of because they find it difficult to say no. And the constant feeling of being taken advantage of can be psychologically very stressful. It is important that people pleasers learn to perceive their own needs and consider them to be just as important as those of others. Only then can they consciously decide whether they want to please the other person - or themselves first.
People Pleasers are indispensable for teamwork, as they are always ready to help and thus often avoid conflicts. They are usually the silent heroes who lighten the mood and create harmony. Nevertheless, they should learn to protect themselves and set boundaries if their own balance starts to suffer.
Learn to set boundaries. It's important that you understand that you can't do everything and that it's okay to ask for help or turn down tasks that overwhelm you.
Think about and write down what you need to be able to work well, e.g. few interruptions, recurring routines - or just not that. When is it too much for me? What particularly bothers me about my current work situation? What do I like? Where does cooperation with others in the team work well and where not so much? All these things are important in order to feel and define your own limits.
It's hard to say no, especially if you're used to always saying yes. But it's a necessary step to free yourself from the people-pleaser role. Practice saying no in a friendly but firm way.
This is not about saying no just for the sake of saying no. Rather, it's about asserting yourself in relation to your own time management. "I can't do it now because I want to finish project X here. But we can talk about it at another time". This brings us to the next tip.
Make sure your own needs don't always come last. It is important to take care of yourself and take time for yourself. Write down your most important and current needs , e.g. "Right now I need more time for myself, and that's why it's important that I don't work overtime".
Take care of your physical and mental health. Make time for activities that you enjoy and that help you to relax and reduce stress. In between the hustle and bustle of everyday working life, we often forget what we ourselves need.
There is an effective little exercise to break this pattern: set your cell phone alarm to three arbitrary times each day: for example, 11:39 am, 4:25 pm and 7:45 pm.
As soon as the alarm rings, stop what you were doing, drop your shoulders and feel into your body: How am I feeling right now? What do I need? Such check-ins help you to feel your needs and desires more clearly again.
If you have 15 different tasks on your desk at the moment, you are welcome to ask colleagues for help. You don't have to do everything on your own. Look for allies in the team with whom you can regularly exchange ideas and who can support you when the day-to-day business is particularly busy.
Try to understand why you have a tendency to be a people pleaser. In everyday life, consciously observe the situations in which you tend to be people pleasing. It varies a lot. Some find it difficult to stand up for themselves in their close circle of family and friends. Others are very good at this – but they just don't want to offend at work or in front of strangers. Recognizing these situations will allow you to work on changing this habit.
It takes time to change old habits. Don't be too hard on yourself when you make mistakes. Learn from your mistakes and try again.
By following these steps, you can begin to free yourself from the role of people pleaser and create a healthier and more balanced work environment for yourself.
It can also be helpful to seek support from your personal or professional environment. This could mean talking to friends or colleagues who have had similar experiences or seeking professional help, such as coaching or a therapist.
There are several reasons why people become people pleasers and try to please everyone or many people. One common reason is the need for recognition and affirmation, especially if it was neglected in childhood.
It is important to recognize these patterns so that People Pleasers can learn to change them. Firstly, for themselves, so that they don't work against their own needs. On the other hand, to have healthier relationships with their fellow human beings.
An important factor influencing the development of people pleasers is early experiences and upbringing at home. Studies such as Baldwin and Hoffmann's (2002) suggest that children who grow up in an environment where they are held responsible for meeting their parents' needs are more likely to become people pleasers later in life. These children learn that their self-esteem depends on pleasing others, which can lead to a pattern of over-sacrifice.
Another important psychological cause of exaggerated philanthropy is the fear of rejection and conflict. Research findings such as those of Alden and Bieling (1998) show that people who tend to want to please others are often very afraid of being rejected or criticized. They therefore try to avoid upsetting and disappointing others and adapt in order to gain approval and recognition.
Low self-esteem can also lead to people becoming people pleasers. Studies such as that by Leary and Baumeister (2000) found that people with low self-esteem tend to make their self-esteem dependent on the approval of others. They try to receive positive feedback through favors and conformity in order to increase their self-esteem.
Society and cultural norms also play a role in the development of philanthropy. Research by Cross and Madson (1997) shows that in certain cultures and social groups, the need to maintain harmony and meet the expectations of others can be particularly strong. These social norms can lead people to neglect their own needs in order to fit in and be accepted.
In addition to the factors mentioned above, certain personality traits can also contribute to people becoming people pleasers. A study by Costa and McCrae (1992) showed that people with high values in the personality dimensions of agreeableness and conscientiousness tend to please others and avoid conflict.
So there is no single reason why some people always want to please those around them. Nevertheless, it can help to know the various psychological causes, because only then can one's own behavior often be better understood and changes can be initiated.
Sources:
Bossmann, Dr. U.(2023) People Pleasing-Out of the Harmony Trap, Beltz-Verlag
Randal, C., Pratt, D., & Bucci, S. (2015). Mindfulness and self-esteem: a systematic review. Mindfulness, 6, 1366-1378.
Baldwin, M. W., & Hoffmann, J. P. (2002). The dynamics of self-esteem: A growth-curve analysis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83(3), 586-598.
Alden, L. E., & Bieling, P. (1998). Interpersonal consequences of the pursuit of safety. Behavior Research and Therapy, 36(1), 53-64.
Leary, M. R., & Baumeister, R. F. (2000). The nature and function of self-esteem: Sociometer theory. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 32, 1-62.
Cross, S. E., & Madson, L. (1997). Models of the self: Self-construals and gender. Psychological Bulletin, 122(1), 5-37.
Costa, P. T., & McCrae, R. R. (1992). Normal personality assessment in clinical practice: The NEO Personality Inventory. Psychological Assessment, 4(1), 5-13.