We offer anonymous and free initial and crisis counseling in cases of domestic violence.
We speak to Jutta Dreyer, family therapist and counselor at the pme life situation hotline Familienservice. The Lebenslagen-Hotline offers employees of its contractual partners anonymous and free initial and crisis counseling for women, children and other people affected by domestic violence.
The life situation hotline is available every day from midnight to midnight, 365 days a year (including public holidays).
Telephone number: 0800 801007070 (for pme customers)
Website: www.familienservice.de/pme-assistance/life-situation-coaching
Advice is offered in German, English, Romanian, Dutch, Italian and French .
Jutta Dreyer: Domestic violence refers to violence that occurs within a couple or marriage. However, it can also be perpetrated between siblings, against children by their parents or against parents by adolescent children. In our counseling sessions, we also often see elderly people experiencing violence at the hands of their caregivers. In most cases, domestic violence happens in their own home.
Domestic violence ranges from insults, prohibitions, threats and humiliation to physical, psychological, sexual and economic violence if the victims are financially dependent on the perpetrator. Those affected usually experience several of these forms of violence at the same time.
There is domestic violence in all social classes and anyone can be affected by it. As a rule, it is women who experience physical, psychological and sexual violence at the hands of their partners. There are also men who are victims of domestic violence. However, in four out of five cases, women are the victims.
If children live in the household, they are often victims of physical abuse themselves or are extremely affected because they have to witness the violence and the climate of fear and intimidation. The children often try to protect their mother and are exposed to conflicts of loyalty towards their father. The children usually suffer from psychological consequences for a very long time and show behavioral abnormalities as well as anxiety and developmental disorders.
In the case of domestic violence, a distinction must be made between spontaneous conflict behavior and systematic controlling behavior. In the case of systematic violence, the perpetrator's aim is to dominate the relationship and exercise power. The victims here are almost exclusively women. Violence as spontaneous conflict behavior arises from affect when an argument or conflict escalates. Incidentally, women and men are equally affected by this.
We have noticed in our counseling that cases of spontaneous domestic violence have increased this year. The restricted freedom of movement during the lockdown has led to great stress for many couples. In particular, couples and families who were already having problems are under great pressure, which now has no outlet outside the home, for example when playing sport or meeting others in person. Alcohol certainly also plays a role, as many people have increased their consumption in their own homes during the lockdown.
Many women are afraid that the situation could escalate at the moment of separation. This is why it is important to be very careful in counseling at this point, to develop a contingency plan and to put everything in place to ensure that the women and their children are protected. On the other hand, many women have financial fears, are worried about taking their children out of their familiar environment and do not know whether they will be able to cope with the changes after a separation. Most men are also very loving again at times. The perpetrators often apologize after they have been violent and promise never to do it again. As a result, many women hope that things will get better again.
For many women, it is important that they are met where they are and that someone listens to them without putting pressure on them or forcing them to make a decision. We inform them about their rights and the help and support options available so that they can decide for or against separation. It is important that we work together with the women to draw a picture of a future that can work from their perspective. We want to encourage women to recognize their strengths and resources and to see what they have already achieved.
Of course, this depends very much on the situation the woman is in. If the situation threatens to escalate, we do everything we can to protect her: we call the police for support or a cab if we need to move quickly. If the women want to leave their homes, we research women's shelters, look for other sheltered places such as guesthouses or think about which friends or relatives they could find a safe place to stay.
For many women, however, counseling is the first step towards finding out what their way out of violence might look like, what their options are and where financial help is available.
If children are affected by domestic violence and we have the impression that they are in acute danger, then we are also obliged to act. I also advise parents to inform the youth welfare office if their children are affected by violence. In my experience, the youth welfare offices are very well thought-out and professional and try to support the families very well. We also have child protection experts in our counseling service who we can call in if we wish.
What many women don't know: There is a right to physical integrity. This means that the moment a person is threatened in their own home, it is decided through the courts that the home is awarded to the victim and the partner must leave.
There are parenting programs, and they are very successful if the men are willing to get involved and change their behavior. Anyone who would like to find out more about this can contact the men's counseling centers.
Thank you for the interview!
Jutta Dreyer is a family therapist and head of pme life coaching as well as a leadership coach at pme Familienservice.