06.12.2024 Isabel Hempel 38368

Mental Load: The raging in my head

The son's doctor's appointment, the presentation at work, the gift for the mother-in-law: mental load is an issue that particularly affects women. Even today, many tasks are still implicitly assigned to women. Why is this the case? And what can we women do ourselves to break this cycle?

It seems to be an unwritten law that mothers, partners or colleagues will somehow take care of everything: the gift for the mother-in-law, the catering for the next live meeting, the cake for the next school event. It's a vicious circle. Because so-called care work, taking care of ourselves, consumes much more energy than we think and is often underestimated. And suddenly we simply can't do any more, feel drained, exhausted and stressed.

The term "mental load" stands for this "think of everything" management in our heads. It refers to the many tasks we take on in our daily lives, whether at home, at work or in social commitments. In most forms of cohabitation, women take on these tasks.

Housework is also unequally distributed cognitively

A new study shows that housework has an unequal impact on women's mental load, which in turn has a negative impact on health: Mothers carry an average of 73 percent of the cognitive and 64 percent of the physical housework, while fathers take on significantly less.
Cognitive work in particular - such as planning, organization and delegation - places a psychological burden on women and often leads to stress, depression, burnout and relationship dissatisfaction. This unequal distribution often remains invisible, but not only affects women's well-being, but also reinforces social gender inequality.

This mental strain is often overlooked, but plays a crucial role in the mental well-being of mothers. Couples therapists, mental health professionals and relationship experts should pay more attention to this often overlooked aspect of housework, the authors of the study conclude.

The fact that there is now a name for this mental load makes it easier to talk about. The term mental load was coined by French illustrator Emma in 2017 with her comic about the everyday lives of mothers. In her first book, Emma uses simple line drawings to reflect on women's everyday situations and mental stress. She deals with topics such as maternity leave and asks: Is this really a "vacation"? The feminist hit a nerve with her drawings. Her comics went viral on Facebook, and the term "mental load" has since been attributed primarily to mothers under constant stress(Emma magazine on Facebook).

Source: https://english.emmaclit.com/2019/01/

Mental load can be an enormous burden

It may provide some relief that women can finally use the term mental load to describe the condition they suffer from. The realization that others also struggle with the constant raging in their heads can certainly help them to take a step back and take a closer look at the phenomenon.

Self-test: Test your mental load

"Mental load is everything you have in your head when you take responsibility not only for yourself but also for others, when you plan, research, organize, structure and get things done. Free of charge, implicitly and naturally," says Darina Doubravova, Head of the pme Work-Life Academy, which offers workshops and group coaching on the topic of mental load.

Mental load has a structural dimension

Mental load is not only triggered by our personality traits, but above all by social conditions and conventions.

"The number and quality of childcare center jobs, the distribution of paid work between men and women, the tax system, the issue of gender equality and ideas of a modern, equal partnership, but also the financial security and independence of women are all aspects of the topic," says Darina Doubravova. "On the other hand, mental load also goes deep into the personal and arises from particular preferences, behavioral routines, self-images and images of others, attitudes and attitudes." Stress-reinforcing self-images such as "I have to be perfect" or "I have to please everyone" can also have a reinforcing effect.

Exhausted, tired, irritable: why is Mental Load so exhausting?

Anyone who spends day and night dealing with an almost endless mountain of things has a permanently high stress level and sometimes risks becoming ill. This is because mental load is exhausting: we literally force our brain to concentrate all its available resources on thinking about these many small tasks. Who doesn't run out of breath in the long run?

The consequences are exhaustion, mental fatigue, concentration problems or high irritability. If you don't even notice your mental load or simply ignore the symptoms and carry on as before, you even run the risk of burnout.

7 tips on how to escape mental load

So it doesn't help: we all have to do it. Because women and men can only solve the problem together. If we are ready for this joint effort, we can take steps to reduce the stress and lead a more balanced and satisfied life together.

1. take care of yourself!

Take regular breaks, make sure you get enough sleep (okay, admittedly this is often difficult with a small child) and eat a healthy diet. Relaxation exercises from yoga or meditation can help you to end the mental marathon and pay more attention to your own needs again.

2. write down your individual tasks

The many to-dos and "should-do" thoughts may only be in your head. Once you have written them down, you can - at least temporarily - put them on the back burner and let them go.

3. prioritize: What is really important?

Not all tasks on the to-do list are equally important. Separate the important from the unimportant and prioritize: Which are urgent? Which ones can wait, even though they are important? And what can I leave alone because it only serves my perfectionist ambitions? What can I possibly hand over and not have to do myself?

4. share responsibilities

Another strategy is to share responsibilities instead of delegating individual tasks. The aim must be to hand over an entire package of tasks so that you no longer have them on your mind.

"Tell me what to do and I'll help you" is a typical phrase that is well-intentioned, but not relieving. After all, you still have to keep track of things - and so the tasks remain in your head.

The children's birthday party task package includes, for example:

1. send parents the confirmation for participation in the birthday.

2. think about a gift; consult with other parents about a joint gift; ask the birthday child about their wishes.

3. get the present; wrap the present, get wrapping paper if necessary; take the child to the birthday party or arrange for someone else to bring/pick it up.

4. if necessary, cancel other afternoon activities (children's gymnastics etc.).

5. reorganize sibling, e.g. because the car is not available.

6. sibling must be brought by someone else.

7. if necessary, inform childcare center/ after-school care / school (write a note) that the child is going with someone else
(here too: It is often the case that the man drives the child and the woman organizes everything else).

5. set standards

Agree on your standards. Sometimes "work packages" are handed over in full, but there are still constant arguments - for example, because you disagree on what it means to vacuum the apartment. Should it be done once, twice or three times a week? Roughly the hallway or also the corners with the cobwebs? You may smile, but these are precisely the stones that couples regularly stumble over.

6. proactively encourage men to take parental leave

If you are a manager: Proactively ask your male employees to take more than the usual two months of parental leave. It has been proven that it is at this point that it is decided how the couple will divide up the care work in later years.

And talk loudly about active fatherhood and male care work, support fathers' networks in your company. Because sustainable change can only work with fathers.

7. come and stay in conversation with your partner

Admittedly, this is no easy task. Especially not when the routines, sources of conflict and dissatisfaction have manifested themselves over the years. But you can't avoid it. Only if you talk to each other can you know how you are doing in your respective roles.

Talk about yourself in the "I" form without accusations: how you feel, what you are doing, what is bothering you, what thoughts are raging in your head and what you think about your relationship. Because the other person can't look into your head and doesn't know what's going on.

In addition, completely different aspects of mental load can be stressful: While one person doesn't want to argue about the same things over and over again, another doesn't feel comfortable in her assigned role as organizer, and a third worries about the amount of her part-time pension.

And a man can also suffer from a traditional idea of his role. However, you need to agree on these supposed details with your partner. Otherwise, you'll be talking past each other and won't be able to find a common path.

Book tips on the subject of mental load:

Cammarata, Patricia (2020): Out of the Mental Load Trap: How to achieve a fair division of labor in the family.

Fröhlich, Laura (2020): The woman for life is not the girl for everything: What parents gain when they share the mental load.

Gaida, Roman (2022): Working Dad: Reconciling an active father role and a career.

Moorstedt, Tobias (2022): We bad good fathers: Why men are successfully resisting family work - and why we urgently need to change this.

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