Promoting resilience in children: 10 tips for parents
Ups and downs are part of our children's lives. Every day, they face new challenges, have to solve problems, look for ways out, find their place in the group or put up with stupid comments. How well they cope with this depends on their inner resilience.
Parenting consultant Anke Polowy has tips for parents on how to promote resilience in their children and strengthen them emotionally.
What does resilience mean for children?
Resilience describes the mental resistance to the daily challenges that children are confronted with.
There are many factors that constantly put children's emotional lives to the test:
- Pressure and loads
- Disappointments or unpleasant experiences
- Getting along with other people and their characters
- Solve problems
- Develop clear goals
- Treating yourself and others with respect
How well children cope and master everyday challenges depends on their inner strength.
How can parents teach their children resilience?
Most parents want their children to be strong. Unpleasant things should not throw the youngest off course straight away, they should take everyday life in their stride and enjoy interacting with other people.
But it's not always that simple. Parents are worried when their children aren't doing well and can't find their balance on their own. We provide ten pointers on what parents can do to strengthen their children.
10 tips for promoting resilience in children
Tip 1: Teach and convey empathy
If parents want to teach and convey empathy, it is important to understand their point of view and perspective in all interactions with their children. It helps to empathize with the child's feelings, thoughts and attitudes.
If parents are unsure about how to convey empathy to their children, the following questions can help to clarify the situation:
- Do I speak and act in such a way that my children listen to me as openly as possible and enjoy learning from me?
- Would I want another person to talk to me the way I talk to my children?
- What do my children think of the decisions I make for them?
In order to strengthen their own actions, parents should also ask themselves what childhood experiences they themselves had. It is useful to reflect on which episodes with your own mother or father were particularly enjoyable and which you rather resent. It is also important to take a close look at how your own parents reacted when they made mistakes.
Tip 2: Communicate effectively
Ideally, communication between parents and their children should be characterized by openness, empathy, recognition, curiosity and interest. An important prerequisite for resilient children is that we actively listen to them, understand what they are saying and let them finish what they are saying.
Parents should avoid accusatory "you" messages and avoid hurting their children's feelings. If the situation does become heated and feelings boil over, parents should try to express their concerns in first-person messages and explain why they are not feeling well at the moment.
If you are still unsure about how to communicate effectively with your children, think about the following questions:
- Do I want someone else to talk to me the way I talk to my child?
- Do I really listen to my child and do I seriously consider what they say?
- Am I distracted while listening?
- Does my child know that I value their contribution?
- Can I calmly admit my own mistakes and apologize for them?
- Am I helping my child to recognize and accept that mistakes are part of our learning process?
- Do I model empathy and compassion for my child?
Tip 3: The rewriting of negative scripts
Parents' parenting styles are shaped by different influences. Their own upbringing, certain experiences from the past or anchored beliefs play a role. Parents often use the same parenting methods over and over again. But not every child is the same. Parents don't get anywhere with some parenting methods.
If the path feels unsuccessful, it is not our children that need to be changed, but our own approach. To do this, it helps to look for new solutions and to rewrite or reformulate the old, deadlocked scripts.
Tip 4: Love and appreciation
The inner strength of our children is shaped by the love we give them. It is the source of our children's strength.
Love mediate parents by:
- relate to their children,
- meet them with empathy,
- Reserve "extra time",
- modify negative scripts,
- communicate effectively with them and
- recognize and respond to their needs.
Tip 5: Accept the child as it is
Some parents have certain expectations of what a child should be like and which characteristics fulfill the ideal image. However, such expectations can create pressure and disappointment on both sides. Children want to please their parents and be accepted by them.
Therefore, accept your child's unique and individual temperament and set realistic expectations. This will strengthen your child.
Tip 6: Discover and strengthen "islands of competence"
A child's resilience depends on experiencing success in areas of life that they consider important. It is therefore necessary to give children repeated opportunities to succeed and to let them know that what they achieve is based on their inner resources.
Appreciate your child's achievements and show your pleasure openly. Think carefully about what your child is good at and what they enjoy.
Tip 7: Learn from your mistakes
Resilient children with great inner strength see mistakes as an opportunity to learn something and attribute them to factors that can be changed. The task of parents is to help their children develop a healthy view of their own mistakes from an early age.
Please note the following steps:
- Take a close look and reflect on how your child deals with mistakes.
- Set a good example and reflect on how you deal with mistakes yourself.
- Confront your child with achievable expectations and don't set your goals too high.
- Let your child know that you not only accept mistakes, but that you expect them.
- Love your child unconditionally.
Tip 8: Responsibility, compassion and social sensitivity
Children really enjoy being a helper. Support this willingness by giving your child opportunities to help others with tasks that they can manage.
As parents, appreciate your child's willingness to help and encourage this quality. Last but not least: Show yourself as a role model worth striving for.
Tip 9: Make decisions and solve problems independently
Resilient children are not afraid to make decisions and are able to tackle and solve problems. You can encourage this characteristic by offering your child simple and not too many choices or by choosing together.
Motivate your child to think about solutions and don't always tell them what to do. Give problems space by addressing them and then go in search of solutions together with your child.
Tip 10: Promote self-esteem and self-discipline
When we live in a community with other people, we are bound by certain rules that enable us to live together. This also applies to the community of a family. To ensure that children do not experience certain rules as coercion, it is important to include their opinions.
Involve your children when you set rules and determine the consequences for transgressions. Don't forget to explain the meaning and significance of boundaries and consequences to them.
