A couple breaks up
Psyche

Should I separate? Couples therapy can be helpful


When a great love crumbles or a marriage threatens to fail, it is painful for a couple. If children are involved, even the happiness of an entire family is put to the test. pme couples therapist Gisela Backes reveals why it is worth fighting for your love and how you can manage to find a new beginning. Just this much in advance: you probably have a lot of work ahead of you.

Summary

The challenges faced by couples in a relationship crisis are highlighted, with a focus on a lack of communication and changing life circumstances. The example of Jessica and Daniel is used to illustrate how such factors can put a strain on a relationship. Couples therapist Gisela Backes explains the causes of such crises and offers solutions to improve communication and partnership. Strengthening the partnership requires work and commitment, accompanied by practical tips for maintaining the relationship. References offer further support.

 

Jessica and Daniel have been a couple for twelve years. The two met at university. They moved from Münster to Berlin together - lucrative jobs were waiting for them in the capital. Jessica worked as a project manager in a PR agency, Daniel as an engineer at a technical institute. With their wedding four years ago and their little daughter Mia, their private happiness seemed perfect.

However, the first problems soon arose. Jessica, who now mainly looked after her daughter, found it difficult to cope with no longer being able to do her old job, in which she had often worked overtime, and had bitten the bullet and taken a lower-paid job as a team assistant - a part-time position was not possible in her old job.

Daniel now saw his main task as earning money. He worked whenever he could. The earnings were also too good and the opportunities for promotion were within reach. Although the two of them had no financial worries, that one strange feeling soon crept in - that they simply no longer functioned as a couple.

"The main problem is and remains the lack of communication. If accusations are constantly repeated or supposed knowledge determines communication through the interpretation of situations, the couple is in a serious crisis." Gisela Backes, couples therapist at pme Familienservice

Partner dispute with child

When parents argue, it puts a lot of strain on children's souls.

The crisis is knocking at the door

Gisela Backes is a couples and family therapist at pme Familienservice. In recent years, she has helped many couples through a crisis, including Jessica and Daniel. "A child is a wonderful thing for a couple. It turns a relationship between two people into a small family. It inevitably has an impact on the parents' relationship." The mother often takes over the care and upbringing of the child.

Just like Jessica. After her one-year parental leave ended, she mainly looked after Mia. She kept an eye on all the vaccination appointments, stayed at home with her when Mia had a fever and did all the shopping after work. She spent the night in her daughter's room so that Daniel could sleep in peace. A drastic change: "If the mother has to give up her old life, dissatisfaction can quickly set in," says Gisela Backes. There may also be a lack of appreciation and affirmation from the old job. That can be frustrating. But the change didn't leave Daniel unscathed either. He longed for more togetherness with his wife.

"Poor communication and interpretation of situations and statements are the most common causes of crises in partnerships." Gisela Backes, couples therapist at pme Familienservice

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Jessica wouldn't allow it. She was too exhausted from her day with the little one and secretly blamed her husband for her dissatisfaction. "Physical closeness to the child often has top priority in the first year of life and shortly afterwards. When Jessica has had many hours of close physical contact with Mia, the need for physical closeness is met. This requires understanding and patience from Daniel, but also persistent courtship of the woman as a partner.

The same applies to recognition at work. If there are children, the daily routines do not naturally leave room for exchange," the couple therapist points out. The lack of communication between the partners is often the reason for a misinterpretation of situations and statements: "The couple believes they know each other inside out, the words 'never' and 'always' are often used," says Backes. "But if the couple doesn't try to find solutions to the dissatisfaction or overload together, this often triggers a serious crisis.

Discussions about jobs, childcare and child rearing, personal needs for sleep, rest, physical closeness, distribution of household tasks, leisure activities, contact with friends or hobbies are all part of it," adds Backes.

The fronts are hardening

The tone became rougher with Jessica and Daniel. Normal communication no longer seemed possible. At first they argued every day, then at some point they just kept quiet. There were days when they didn't say a word to each other and when they did, they just shouted at each other. The love that had once begun no longer seemed to exist - let alone a love life.

And somehow neither of them cared. At this point, divorce seemed closer than an agreement. There was still one last attempt, one last rebellion before the final step. Because they knew it couldn't go on like this. The couple came to Gisela Backes for counseling. The 62-year-old couples therapist helped them to overcome their crisis.

Partnership dispute

Helplessness and despair as a result of a marital crisis.

Reasons for therapy

"Couples always come to me when they can no longer see a way out of a critical situation themselves. This can be at the beginning of a crisis or after years of permanent crisis. The reason for counseling can be a life-changing family situation, such as a birth, a death, a serious illness, a job change, infidelity, but also disrespect, lies, injuries, childlessness, frustration, sexual reluctance or cultural differences," explains the therapist.

In Germany today, one in three marriages ends in divorce. Very few of them seek professional help. Gisela Backes knows why this is the case: "In most cases, at least one person involved is embarrassed to seek outside help or at least one person doesn't believe that therapy will bring about change."

Help for the relationship

Gisela Backes cannot say in general terms how many couples she was ultimately able to help. She advises: "It's important to work on yourself as a couple, to want it and not just give up. Successful partnerships are characterized by a mutual positive choice (the partner is the absolute No. 1), by mutual love, by mutual trust and by respect and esteem for each other."

Even if some therapies are more difficult than others, Gisela Backes has never advised a couple to separate: "The decision is always made by the couple or at least one person in the partnership. All those who want to accept help or support can be helped. However, if one person makes the decision not to continue the partnership, we can also support the couple in the separation process."

The approach used in couples counseling depends on what the goal of couples counseling is. "This could be, for example, improving communication, regaining trust after infidelity, reviving sexuality or growing together as a second family," Backes continues. "There are preparatory questions for couples counseling that look back to the beginning of the relationship, to the here and now and to wishes for the future. These questions serve as a guideline in the counseling session where exercises for the couple can be derived if necessary."

"Overall, I have a large toolbox of methods at my disposal in life coaching. I choose the right approach for the situation at hand." Gisela Backes, couples therapist at pme Familienservice

Partnership happy again
Overcoming a crisis means a lot of work for a couple.

The way out of the crisis

Therapy has helped Jessica and Daniel. They have resolved to be more aware of each other as a couple again and to invest time in their relationship. There are now times when they are just there for each other. The TV is now turned off more often in the evenings and the housework is sometimes left undone. They then review the day over a glass of wine. One date a month is firmly marked in the calendar.

In the meantime, little Mia is being looked after by a babysitter. For a weekend trip to celebrate their wedding anniversary, even the grandparents, who live far away, were brought in to look after the child. "Time for each other can help. Even if it's just 15 minutes a day in which everyone can communicate without judgment and look for understanding or solutions together," says the therapist. "It's not always possible to find satisfactory answers for everyone involved. In such cases, interim solutions should be found and the topic should be discussed again after a certain period of time."

Daniel wants to try to take a step back in his job so that his wife can pursue new career plans. Everything seems to be taking a good turn. But the important thing is to keep talking! Gisela Backes sums up: "Many people find it difficult to talk to their partner about their wishes, desires and fears. But that's exactly what revitalizes a partnership."

She has a very simple answer to the question of why she thinks it's worth making a commitment to an existing partnership: "Because it's a wonderful feeling to love and be loved and to have a partner by your side."

Life situation coaching at pme Familienservice

Do you need help? If your company offers the product "life situation coaching" product from pme Familienservice , our psychologists and therapists will help you with various crises, such as relationship problems, addiction or debt. You can find more information on the pme Familienservice

 

Literature tips:
Be a couple again! Fulfilling togetherness despite work and children by Sascha Schmidt, Publisher: humboldt

Sascha Schmidt Being a couple again

 

The truth begins in pairs - The couple in conversation by Michael Lukas Moeller, Publisher: rororo

Michael Moeller The truth begins in pairs

 

How partnerships succeed - The rules of love: relationship crises are opportunities for development by Hans Jellouschek, Publisher: Herder

Hans Jellouschek How partnership succeeds

 

 

zero Health day in a class of its own: this was Health Day 2022

Speaker Bastienne Neumann at the Health Day
Event

That was Health Day 2022: a top-class health day

Six hours of program, 16 top speakers and 6,000 spectators - the Health Day is the brilliant conclusion to the 30th anniversary of the pme Familienservice.

Health for every taste

It's all in the mix: Entertaining and informative presentations by top speakers such as Frédéric Letzner, Dr. Matthias Manke, Gaby Köster and Michael "Curse" Kurth on the topics of physical health, mental health, mindfulness, nutrition and trends in health management offered a great and varied program for every health taste. 

Right on time at 2 p.m., pme CEO Alexa Ahmad and presenter Jessica Mina-Knopp welcomed the audience live from the pme Academy in Hamburg's Hafencity. What followed was a health day with new impulses, exciting specialist knowledge and great entertainment. 

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Frédéric Letzner: Health can also be sexy

Speaker and author for nutrition and health psychology Frédéric Letzner started with his presentation on the topic of "Health can also be sexy" and discussed the question of why so many people don't actually want to talk about health and what can be done about it. In his talk, Letzner, a nutritionist, author and speaker, provided interesting insights into our childhood conditioning and fears when it comes to healthy eating.

With his vivid plea against "superheroism" in the workplace, he shook the participants awake: "The most expensive employees are the superheroes, because they eventually run into the wall," said Letzner. According to him, the idea of efficiency is not compatible with health.

Where it is all about functioning, there is no time for healthy eating and good sleep. He presented the "4 Gs" as a means to a healthier life: patience, enjoyment, frugality, serenity: away from self-optimization and challenges, an end to multitasking, and instead an appreciation for yourself and your own priorities.


The opener: Frédéric Letzner goes full throttle.

Bastienne Neumann: The psyche also eats

Nutritionist Bastienne Ne umann followed in the footsteps of the previous speaker. Bastienne Neumann herself has experienced how food can become something that defines your existence.

As a former judoka, she has experienced it herself: in order to be successful in her sport, she had to gain and lose weight, and competition phases were characterized by sacrifice. When injury put an end to her sport, there was no stopping her. She compensated by eating and gained a total of 25 kilos. In order to understand what was behind this, she studied nutritional science.

However, the game changer, as she herself describes it, was nutritional psychology, i.e. the question of why we eat what we eat. In her presentation at the Health Day, she encouraged the participants to take a closer look: Why do we reach for a chocolate bar in stressful situations?

Why do we go to the canteen at lunchtime, even if we're not hungry? The answer: food is more than just nourishment, it is, for example, a source of comfort, a reward, gives us a break and allows us to interact with others. Unavoidable in stressful everyday life? No. In her talk, she presented a suitcase of resources that can take the place of food. 

"If hunger is not the problem, then food is not the solution." (Bastienne Neumann)

 


Bastienne Neumann in conversation with presenter Jessica Mina-Knopp.

"Revierdoc" Matthias Manke: When the orthopaedist has his back

In his lecture at the Pott, Revierdoc Dr. Matthias Manke explained how important exercise is for the body. "To move is to live" - that is the credo of "Revierdoc" Matthias Manke. "We lack the balance of movement in everyday life," says Manke. When you no longer have to leave the house to go shopping or meet people, you don't get enough exercise.

In practical terms, he addressed the most important problem areas for many people, such as the neck, which is often overstretched and cramped. Or the pelvic floor, which, contrary to popular belief, is not just something women have to worry about after giving birth. "Pelvic floor training is the solution for a stable core," said Manke. He enriched his entertaining lecture with live exercises, such as a simple exercise for a strong neck or a pelvic floor exercise that can easily be performed at work.

"We lack the balance of movement in everyday life." (Dr. Matthias Manke)


Revierdoc Dr. Mathias Manke is one of the best-known orthopaedic surgeons in Germany.

Trends in digital BGM - with Pia Grocholl and Michèle Penz

This was followed by a real premiere. Pia Grocholl and Michèle Penz, who head up the new "Health" pillar of pme Familienservice in a dual leadership role, presented the new BGM offering from pme Familienservice in a talk with presenter Jessica Mina-Knopp and explained where the journey in digital BGM is heading.

Health in companies is a huge trend, according to the health experts. With increasing workloads and a shortage of skilled workers, occupational health management offers many different starting points. In the talk, they presented the combination of relationship prevention and behavioral prevention on which the pme Health offerings are based. Looking at the framework conditions and structures is just as important as the question of what individuals can do to stay or become healthy.

The ideal approach is the blended approach: employees can flexibly acquire content via e-learning, podcasts or articles, while combined live interventions such as coaching sessions ensure the necessary commitment. An interesting insight that ended with the claim: Health should be fun!


Michèle Penz (left) and Pia Grocholl (center) talk to presenter Jessica Mina-Knopp about trends in digital BGM.

Trend talk: Gender in health management

Three talk guests, one goal: the following trend talk on the topic of diversity in occupational health management was intended to raise awareness of target groups that have so far been under the radar. Fee Reinoso, founder of Vision Period, wants to sensitize companies to the potential and resources that lie in the female menstrual cycle - an "asset for the economy", according to Reinoso. Until now, the needs of menstruating women have been completely ignored. She would like to see "mental awareness" from companies, i.e. acceptance and an infrastructure that caters to the needs of women.

Silke Burmester is convinced that the menopause is also an important "business case". The journalist and author wants to establish a new image of ageing. Burmester found that the menopause is primarily associated with a lack. Yet this time often offers underestimated potential. "There is a lot of power," says Burmester. Women often have more time during this phase because the children are getting older, they want to continue their careers and feel like working. With her online magazine "Palais Fluxx", she offers an information portal for women aged 47 and over who are going through intoxication, revolt and menopause.

Finally, Volker Baisch had the men in mind. He is an expert on the topic of work-life balance from a father's perspective and believes that the topic of men's health should be on the radar of companies. "Men talk less about their health or mental stress than women," says Volker Baisch. On the one hand, they need different offers, and on the other hand, the form and approach must be changed so that men feel addressed.


Silke Burmester (left), Volker Baisch (center) and Fee Reinoso (right) have a lively discussion about diversity in BGM.

Gaby Köster: My life after the stroke

Sometimes joy and sorrow lie close together. As in the case of Gaby Köster. In an interview with Jessica Mina-Knopp, the most famous woman in the German comedy landscape told us how she suffered a serious stroke at the height of her career - at the age of 46. She had to learn everything again: walking, speaking, driving, crying.

Even today, after almost 15 years, she is still affected by the consequences of the "stroke", as she calls it herself. At Health Day on November 8, 2022, Gaby Köster spoke about how she was knocked out by the stroke - and how she worked her way back into life and onto the stage bit by bit. What has helped her is her sense of humor: "I can still see the joke even in the biggest chaos," she says.

Even though her life today is different from before the stroke, she has regained many freedoms, such as traveling alone again. An inspiring contribution from one of Germany's most humorous women, which not only made for an exciting 30 minutes, but also for many light-hearted moments.


Comedy icon Gaby Köster brought a good atmosphere with her.

Diana Doko: Depression - Talking saves lives

Due to the high levels of absenteeism in companies, mental illness is an issue that must naturally be addressed at a Health Day. Diana Doko, founder of "Freunde fürs Leben e.V." and Benthe Untiedt, Managing Director of Shit Show - Agentur für psychische Gesundheit, will provide information about depression.

Diana Doko's motto is "Talking about depression saves lives!" The recipient of the Order of Merit of the Federal Republic of Germany believes there is a lack of awareness campaigns on depression in Germany. She is therefore calling for mental illness to be put on the health policy agenda and for it to be communicated that we as a society must finally talk more openly about depression and suicide - this can save lives. The aim is for signals to be better recognized and understood and for suicides to be prevented. 

"The more we know about depression and the more we know about suicide, the better we can help each other." (Diana Doko)

 


Talking about depression saves lives," is Diana Doko's motto.

Benthe Untiedt: Mental health at your fingertips

Benthe Untiedt showed what it feels like when depression "weighs someone down". And why the supposedly well-intentioned advice to "cheer up" only makes things worse. 

The qualified psychologist brought her "moodsuits" to the Health Day, which make mental stress tangible. There is the "Beuger", a kind of rucksack that presses the head down so that the wearer feels small and depressed. Or the "bell", which looks like a diving helmet and makes contact with others more difficult. And finally, the "choker", which creates the feeling of having a lump in your throat. Our moodsuits are "symptoms to wear", says Bethe Untiedt. They help to build a bridge to people who experience such feelings and make this difficult topic relatable.


Benthe Untiedt shows her mood suits on our colleague Susanna.

Carola Kleinschmidt: Surf your energy: in harmony with your biorhythm

Bestselling author Carola Kleinschmidt continued with a lot of power. In her talk "Surf your energy: in tune with your biorhythm", she explained how to successfully surf your own energy wave. Because when we are in tune with our biorhythm, we are happier, work better and are more creative.

According to Carola Kleinschmidt, energy swings through the day in a wave; there are energy highs and energy lows. When our energy is high, everything is easier - sport, negotiations, conflicts in the family. But the energy low also has its justification, says Carola Kleinschmidt: it is perfect for processing things that we have learned during the energy high. "No learning without an energy low," she concludes.

She also discussed the differences between morning people and evening people and encouraged them to make small adjustments to suit their own biorhythm. According to Kleinschmidt, sleeping just half an hour longer can make a huge difference.

"No learning without an energy slump." (Carola Kleinschmidt)


Carola Kleinschmidt explains how the biorhythm works.

Michael "Curse" Kurth: Easy, anti-eso and for everyone: how to relax properly!

The crowning finale was the talk "Easy, anti-eso and for everyone: how to relax properly" by Michael "Curse" Kurth. The rapper and systemic coach took the audience into his own life, which was characterized by an early desire for success - and an abrupt upheaval when he realized that success is not a guarantee for happiness. He presented a 3-phase recipe for simply relaxing without esotericism. What does it involve? Taking a deep breath, questioning the problem and yourself and finally, discovering "the secret of the water bottle".


From rapper to systemic coach - Michael Kurth shows how to relax properly.

Movement breaks with yoga instructor Fjodor Kendzierski and relaxation sessions with the Mindance app rounded off the varied and highly topical program.

Gisela Erler and Alexa Ahmad: That was 30 years of pme

At the end, presenter Jessice Mina-Knopp brought pme CEO Alexa Ahmad and surprise guest Gisela Erler, founder of pme Familienservice, on stage once again. Alexa Ahmad emphasized how important the topic of health is for everyone: "What unites us all: Health is important from the cradle to the grave" and thanked all the speakers for their encouragement and numerous tips.

pme founder and former State Councillor Gisela Erler reviewed the company's transformation over the past 30 years and concluded: "For me, health is not just mindfulness and no stress, there are incredible crises and suddenly companies are doing incredible things that you never thought possible before."


Gisela Erler (left) and Alexa Ahmad (right) are clearly having fun.
 

Health Day 2022: Many thanks to our partners

pme health: Effective BGM in blended learning format 

Organizational consulting, GBU Psyche, BEM: Our occupational health management (OHM) services are characterized by their holistic and individual approach. From strategy development, needs analysis and action planning to evaluation, we establish, supplement and optimize companies' occupational health management portfolios in order to keep their employees healthy, productive and motivated. 

Personal support for employees based on a new holistic mind-body & soul approach is one of our key factors and goes hand in hand with our blended learning concept. We combine digital and live formats to promote physical activity, nutrition, stress prevention and mindfulness and make our knowledge available regardless of time and place.