01.03.2022 Gabriele Strasser 19202

Facing children's fears: 5 tips

When children are scared, they need understanding and strong parents. 5 tips for parents on dealing with anxiety and insecurity.

As adults, when we find ourselves in a crisis and are afraid, we usually try to understand the extent of the whole dilemma. We inform ourselves on various channels and google for answers and strategies to tame our fears. We think that our children are just like us and that we need to have clever and sensible answers to their questions. But other things are more helpful for children.

5 tips from our family therapist and life coach Matthias Könning.

1. be a safe bank

Children rely on the fact that they are safe with their parents. Their presence is enough. If the parents are there, everything is fine. That's why they make contact from time to time. Child: "Are you there?" - Parents: "Yes, I am!" Then everything is clear and the children can get on with what they are doing.

It helps if you connect internally with the parts of your feelings that are safe. This allows you to radiate confidence. Realize what you can still rely on. You have a roof over your head and enough food. You love your children and they love you. That is an important foundation.

2. fear is allowed

When something is not as usual, a feeling of fear arises. It tells us: "Watch out!" and makes us think about what to do. Fear is justified. Don't tell your child: "Don't be afraid" or "It's not so bad", but instead tell them that fear is completely normal and visits us from time to time.

Talk about how it feels: Is it just unpleasant, or are there other sensations? Where in the body does it make itself felt? Does the feeling have a shape or color? Show interest, along the lines of: "We're not running away from the fear, we're going to see what it does". Together you will find that the fear will go away just as it came.

3. now is the time for rituals

Children love and need clear and regulated routines. Especially now that everything is suddenly different. If everyone is always at home, the day becomes long, you quickly become bored and more sensitive. It brings stability and relief if you introduce rituals that always take place at the same time. This could be a cuddle session, reading aloud time or meals that everyone helps to make particularly enjoyable. 

Our tip: evening ritual

Sit down together and light a candle. Then each family member says how they are doing, what they have achieved today and what has brought them joy. Then think of the people who are not there now and call them all by name. This increases the size of the family circle. Finally, think about what the next day could look like and whether there is a nice activity that everyone would like to do.

4. only answer what is asked

Children now have lots of questions that may overwhelm you as parents. That doesn't matter. You don't have to know everything and you don't have to answer a topic exhaustively. If a child is satisfied with the answer and doesn't ask further questions, they don't need any more explanations.

Refer back to previous experiences when talking to your children about fear. For example, ask: "Have you ever been afraid? What did you do then? What helped, what wasn't good for you? What could help you now?" By asking questions like these, you make the children competent discussion partners.

5. more contact, less head

Physical contact is the best way to convey security. When the body can lean against something, it feels protected and secure. This is also easier than searching for answers that not even experts have.

Children have three basic needs: They need a sense of closeness (attachment), physical safety and freedom to express themselves through play (autonomy). See which of these needs your child is currently expressing and what you can do to meet them. If they want to play, give them freedom. If they are looking for love, give them attention. If they are afraid, give them security.

Matthias Könning is a systemic supervisor and family therapist (DGSF), trained conflict resolution helper and life coaching consultant at pme Familienservice.

Picture books against fear

Our experts from pme Lernwelten have put together some book tips for you, which you can order via our online store. Simply register at www.familienservice.de/buecher and browse through our extensive range.

Corinna Leibig: The little tummy ache
From 3 years
Mabuse publishing house
ISBN 9783863213480

Rachel Bright: The lion in you
From 3 years
Magellan Publishing
ISBN 9783734820212

Anna Llenas: The color monster
From 3 years
Velber publishing house
ISBN: 9783841101952

Danny Baker, Pippa Curnick: Frida Fearless invites you to tea
From 4 years
Ars Edition
ISBN 9783845827513