Grief in children: How parents can provide support
Children experience grief differently to adults. What stages of grief do children go through and how can adults lovingly support them in these difficult moments? Openness and honesty are crucial when it comes to talking to children about death.
By: Laura Rohsius, Parental Counseling Specialist & Anna-Mareike Graf, Homecare Eldercare Consultant
How children experience death and grief
Children experience death - whether of a family member or a pet - in different, very individual ways, depending on their stage of development, their experience and their cultural background. At a young age, they often have difficulty understanding death as a final separation with a "goodbye forever". They tend to perceive it as temporary or reversible. In addition, they often do not understand the biological aspects of death, but may interpret it as a kind of temporary absence.
Children can express grief in many different ways, from sadness and anger to withdrawal and an increased need for closeness. Their understanding of death and grief develops over time and is shaped by experiences, conversations and the support of their caregivers.
Children's understanding of death by age group
Children only understand death and its consequences as they get older. It is therefore important to talk about what they can understand. Understanding varies greatly, which is why experts deliberately refrain from giving specific ages.
Losses can already trigger feelings in young children, but they are not yet able to understand death properly. It is important to support them when they express feelings of loss and show them affection.
At kindergarten age, children increasingly begin to understand death and grief. Their direct questions can challenge adults. Later, they begin to deal with the question of what happens after death.
Primary school children often have clear ideas about death and grief. They realize that death can also affect them and that it is final. Questions about dying and death are typical.
Religious, spiritual and philosophical thoughts become more important during the teenage years. Young people can suppress thoughts of death and sometimes find it difficult to express their feelings. They often seek normality with their peers instead of dealing with domestic grief
The importance of openness and honesty when dealing with children
Openness and honesty are crucial when it comes to talking to children about death. While it may be tempting to shield them from the reality of death, it is important to communicate the truth to them in an age-appropriate and sensitive way.
You lay the foundation for an open and trusting conversation by giving children the space to express their thoughts and feelings. However, your own insecurities and fears can make open conversations with children difficult. It can therefore prove helpful not to hide your feelings from children, but to put them into words and explain them. Children should always be included, not excluded.
Children can often understand more than we give them credit for, and they have the right to know the truth about death, even if it may be difficult for us adults. Through honest conversations, parents can create a supportive environment in which children can learn to deal with their feelings and process grief.
Depending on age, there are valuable (picture) books that should make it easier for you as an adult to have a conversation with your children. Here are some recommendations:
Patricia Mennen: Why? Why? Why? Volume 42: Farewell, death and mourning.
Susanne Bohne: Grandpa lives somewhere else now: A story for children about death and grief.
Fabian Jeremies, Christian Jeremies: What might it be like in heaven?
Katie Daynes: First Unfolding and Understanding: Why do you have to die?
Differences in coping with grief in children and adults
The way in which children and adults grieve often differs significantly. Children often have shorter attention spans and alternate between grief and normal activities. They may also express their grief through play and often use fantasy or figurative language to deal with their feelings.
Adults, on the other hand, can deal with their grief more intensively and may experience longer phases of despondency or withdrawal. They tend to process their grief in a more rational way. One of the reasons for this is that adults have tried and tested strategies for dealing with challenging feelings and emotions. Children, on the other hand, are still learning these strategies and are accompanied by adults.
How you can help children deal with loss
There are various ways in which parents and caregivers can help children deal with loss:
Open communication: Talk openly and honestly about death and answer questions in an age-appropriate way. It is helpful if you avoid euphemistic expressions such as "fallen asleep" or "gone away" when talking about death. Younger children in particular may not understand these metaphorical terms and may develop fears. Explain to the children the finality of death and that the deceased will not return. This helps to support children's grieving process - even if clear words can hurt. Let the children's questions guide you and answer all questions openly and honestly. Also admit when you don't know something.
Emotional support: Children often find it difficult to name their feelings. Try to find words for them together or use supportive tools, such as the feelings cards. Show understanding for the children's feelings and explain that they are normal. You can also tell them how you feel.
Maintain normality: Encourage children to continue their normal activities and have fun, even if they are grieving.
Shared rituals: Establish rituals or activities to help the children come to terms with the loss, e.g.
- Create memory albums and memory boxes,
- Release balloons with a card,
- Place flowers, pictures, candles or painted stones at the grave,
- design a memorial candle or
- plant a tree in memory of the deceased.
When can I take my child to a funeral?
The decision as to whether a child should attend a funeral depends on a number of factors, including the child's age, their relationship with the deceased and their ability to cope with the emotional burden.
In general, it is important to involve the child in the decision in an age-appropriate manner and to take their wishes and concerns into account. If the child decides to attend the funeral, it is important to prepare them for the event and provide them with emotional support during it.
What can the preparation for such an event look like in concrete terms?
The procedure for a funeral should be discussed in detail with the child in advance so that the child knows how to behave. Explain exactly why, for example, black clothing is worn and that the atmosphere is very quiet and sad. It can also be discussed that they can go outside or leave if it is too much.
If it is a particularly close and beloved person, the child can be actively involved in the ceremony. For example, they could hold the flower basket, decorate the urn or place a painted picture on the coffin, if this is possible.
Tips for parents and caregivers when dealing with grieving children
Patience: Give children time to grieve and don't pressure them to 'get over it' quickly. Show understanding for the child's grief and the time they need.
Comfort and security: Give the child the feeling that they are safe and loved, and offer them comfort and support when they are sad.
Help if necessary: If the child is having difficulty dealing with their grief, do not hesitate to seek professional help, such as a therapist or counselor who specializes in the needs of children.
By communicating openly and sensitively with their children and giving them the opportunity to experience their grief in their own way, parents can help them to overcome this challenge and emerge stronger.
