30.11.2021 Josephin Hartmann 11157

My child doesn't want to learn: how parents can help

"I don't want to!", "I can't do it!", "I don't feel like it!". These are phrases that parents hear often enough when it comes to doing homework or studying for the next test. But what's really behind it when the child doesn't want to learn? 

An interview with learning consultant Anna Uter with practical tips on how parents can promote the joy of learning and overcome school challenges together with their children. 

Anna Uter has a master's degree in giftedness research and skills development and is a systemic consultant and energetic coach. She is a co-founder of Lernladen Leipzig.

Article updated on 12.11.2024.

How can I recognize that my child has a school problem?

Anna Uter: Children stop cooperating when they are under- or overchallenged. Both gifted children who are permanently underchallenged at school and children who are permanently overwhelmed will sooner or later lose interest in school.

The problems can be many and varied: They range from unwillingness to do homework to avoidance strategies when they no longer want to do homework or go to school. If school has a negative connotation, this can even lead to psychosomatic symptoms. At best, children express this ("It's no fun!").

What should parents look out for?

Negative beliefs such as "I can't do that anyway", "I can't make mistakes", "I'm too slow" quickly arise. Beliefs arise when the evaluation does not relate to the action, but to the person. In other words, when you don't say "What you did was good (or not so good)", but "You were good (or not so good)" or "You're disruptive, you're not focused".

You often see this with gifted pupils who quickly understand topics and contexts. They immediately say: "But you're clever!" or "But you're good!". They do not associate the positive statement with their actions, but with their personality.

In my parent counseling sessions, I often hear from gifted students that they start things and then stop again. This is because the children have always been told "But you're good!". As soon as they reach a point in tasks where they can't make any progress, they no longer think about practising and trying again, but instead think: "I'm no good".

Children who have to learn and practise more in order to succeed are better able to deal with setbacks or greater effort. They are told: "Look, what you have achieved is because you have practiced so well!". They don't relate this to their personality, but to their actions, which can be worked on. That way, the person doesn't suffer directly.

Therefore, my recommendation for parents: Praise the action and the willingness to make an effort, and encourage them to continue! Not "You are unfocused and bad today!", but "You could have practiced more here!".

What can I do if I notice that my child is no longer cooperating?

As a first step, parents should look at whether the problem lies with themselves or with the children . Therefore, first look inside yourself and ask: "Is it me that I can't bear it when my child doesn't do so well at school? Do I have too high expectations? Is something from my own childhood triggering me?".

Seeking help with this is an important recommendation. In counseling, we look at who has the motivation to come to us. Is it the pupil who notices that things are not going well, or is it the parents who notice difficulties at school?

It is important for parents not to focus on their children's grades, but on their well-being. Talk to your child on a partnership level at eye level!

You often hear from children: "I just can't do that subject". But doesn't every child have the right to be good at every subject? What do you say to that?

When working with children and parents, we look at all the factors that influence learning: Which school does the child go to? What are the conditions like at home? Does the child have peace and quiet at home? Does it have a full week and lots of hobbies? But above all, the child's learning personality is a decisive factor.

What is a learning personality?

To explain the learning personality, let's take a look at the two hemispheres of the brain, which work in opposite directions. The left hemisphere controls the perception of time and processes information linearly. This means that it gives information structure and sequence, seeks order and works in a reductive way. It leaves little room for creativity.

Pupils with a dominant left half like rules and clear instructions and can be motivated extrinsically - i.e. from outside. In short, they often do better in the state school system. However, they also tend to black out more quickly or are not good at dealing with questions that cross the line.

In contrast, our creativity lies in the right hemisphere of the brain. Spatial perception dominates here, information is taken in holistically, visually and openly. You therefore think like in a spider's web. However, your thoughts travel faster and you often appear unfocused as a result.

In the best case, both hemispheres of the brain are well connected and work according to requirements. However, one half of the brain often reacts dominantly. We therefore have different ways of absorbing information.

Therefore, it is not necessarily a question of wanting to, but a question of being able to or of the possibilities available.

How can I support my child if they have difficulties learning?

The first thing parents should do is accept that the child needs support and not judge it negatively.

If this is the case, it is advisable for parents to first look at themselves and work on their own beliefs: "Why does it bother me that my child is not learning the way I want them to? Why is it important to me what other parents or teachers think about my child?".

If the parents are relaxed, then the children are too. Because children are the mirrors of their parents' souls. To relieve pressure and anxiety, parents can also offer their support directly: "How can we help you to organize yourself better or keep an eye on the time?".

It is also important that the children are involved and that things are organized through dialogue . Instead of asking: "Why haven't you done your homework yet?", it is better to investigate the reason or the stumbling blocks: "What is preventing you from doing your homework today? What do you need to do better?".

5 tips for parents in a nutshell

1. seek dialogue in order to recognize frustration and excessive demands at an early stage

Watch out for avoidance behavior, reluctance and negative comments such as "School is no fun" or "I can't do it anyway." An open conversation often helps to understand the cause of the dissatisfaction.

2. positive feedback and praise for effort, not personality

Avoid making statements about your child's personality, such as "You're clever!". Instead, specifically praise the effort: "Great, how much effort you've put in!". This praise relates to the child's (learning) effort and helps them to see setbacks as a challenge and not as a personal weakness.

3. reflect on yourself as a parent

Question your own expectations and emotions. Is it your expectations or unresolved issues from your childhood that are stressing you out? Clarify for yourself what your motivation is and whether you may have excessive expectations of your child's academic performance.

4. open communication at eye level and finding solutions together

Encourage communication at eye level by putting the child's well-being before the grades. Talk openly about possible stress factors and offer support ("What do you need to do better?"). A more relaxed approach to school requirements - without pressure to perform - can boost self-confidence and the desire to learn.

5. find out your child's learning personality

Every child has an individual way of learning, which is related to the dominance of the left or right side of the brain, among other things. Pay attention to your child's needs and learning style and adapt the learning strategies accordingly. Learning coaching can help to identify your child's individual strengths and learning strategies.

Product range: Consulting & learning coaching

Topics such as school, learning and homework are among the biggest stress factors for families with schoolchildren. Supporting children with their schoolwork and maintaining their motivation to learn can often lead to challenges. Finding a balance between support and independence is therefore essential. 

The parent consultants at pme Familienservice use their many years of coaching experience and the latest practical findings to help parents maintain their children's motivation to learn and apply learning methods.  

In this context, we draw on the expertise of our long-standing cooperation partner Lernladen Leipzig and our online tutoring provider "bidi". We regularly invite experts from the field, such as head teachers, teachers and educators, to our specialist lectures, coaching sessions and vacation programs.

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