21.01.2017 Sabrina Ludwig 4907

Sex and communication: "We need to talk!"

We float on cloud nine, make plans for the future and then often fail: to have a long-lasting and happy relationship. pme employee Dagmar Cassiers has been a couples therapist and relationship counselor for over 20 years. In her book "Sex Passport", she argues that unhappy couples often have the same problem in common: dissatisfaction in bed. Part 2 of the interview.

Read part 1 of the interview here.
 

Do most couples not talk about their sexual needs and does this cause problems in bed?

Dagmar Cassiers: Yes, you could say that. Talking about sexuality is often fraught with shame. I'm also often afraid of hurting the other person if I talk about something I'm not so comfortable with in bed. That's why I asked questions in my book "Sex Passport" that can't be answered with a simple "yes" or "no". Instead, there are gradations such as "is very important to me", "I like" or "I don't like". With the help of questions on various sexual areas, couples can come to terms with their sexuality, but don't have to struggle for words or say the unspeakable.

That makes it easier to find out: What do I want? What does the other person want? What do we both really like? And also: Are there major divergences that we can leave as they are because we have enough other areas that we both like? Or can one of us simply not do without special practices or neglect them and a separation of table and bed would then be the best thing for both of us?

So different sexual needs don't necessarily mean the end of a relationship. It also depends on how many sexual preferences we have in common?

It is important for couples to realize that there are more than just differences. If I constantly talk to my partner about sexual problems, then I also focus on them: the problems. But if I see that we have a lot of sexual needs where we fit together wonderfully, then problems are put into perspective and individual disagreements are no longer perceived as so problematic. And the couple is more likely to have a conversation without one of them feeling hurt or like a sexual failure.

Aren't there more serious problems in a partnership than sex? For example, when one partner wants a child and the other doesn't?

I think that if a couple is at peace with themselves and has a firm foundation - namely that they can both be enough for themselves - then it can work without children. If things don't work out for health reasons, for example, even though they both want a child, then a couple won't break up if they have a solid foundation. And in my experience, this really is sexuality.

Couples should always ask themselves how important this is for our relationship - whether it's having a child, traveling the world or building a house. What does a certain lifestyle stand for? Is our relationship so sustainable that we could also imagine a life without children? Or do we need a child, for example, as an external sign of the relationship? Perhaps also because the rest of the family is pushing. There are often also expectations from outside: children are part of it.

It's not uncommon for the passion in a relationship to wane after a few years when the butterflies stop fluttering every day. What can couples do when the passion wanes?

My experiences are quite different. On the one hand, it is clear that in a long-term relationship, in addition to the desire for sex and hopefully a good fit, trust and love and other things in common also come into play. But the basis often remains sexuality.

With couples who are really sexually compatible, I have rarely experienced lust falling asleep. Falling asleep is often an alibi argument if things weren't really right beforehand. When we're new to each other, sex is also a kind of compulsory exercise. It's just part of it. I've heard that from my parents - and I've also heard that it falls asleep at some point and that's completely normal. But if sex was actually more of a compulsory exercise and less of an optional extra, then it didn't really fit. And then it can be a relief when sex falls asleep.

But if I was totally satisfied in the first few years, everything was just right, and yet the sex is waning. What happens then?

If both partners' desire diminishes a little - i.e. it happens synchronously - then things will be fine again. It only becomes problematic when the desire for sex decreases unilaterally.

Whether it's sexual dissatisfaction or other conflicts that put a permanent strain on a relationship, when should couples consider discussing their problems with a couples therapist?

When conflicts get out of hand and there are more problems than benevolent cooperation. When there is a lack of communication and generalizations and "you" messages are used. When it is important to have someone to moderate a conversation and ask intelligent questions from the outside, neutrally and with professional distance, so that the couple can sort out their problems. When it comes to looking away from the problems and instead looking at what works well for us? What can we build on, what are our resources, what connects us, do we have a solid foundation? And if necessary, a couples therapist can help the couple to separate in a socially acceptable way. That can also be a solution.

Dagmar Cassiers - Coach and therapist

Dagmar Cassiers has been working as a therapist, psychological counselor and coach for almost 20 years. She has also been working as a systemic solution-oriented consultant and coach at pme Familienservice in Berlin for 10 years. Since 2016, she has been writing a regular column on sex and relationships for the magazine "Freundin". www.cassiers-coaching.de

Dagmar Cassiers: Sex passport. Sexual accuracy of fit. With 423 questions on the sexual profile. Tredition. 13,95 Euro

A fulfilling sexuality is a strong foundation that supports and sustains relationships. Sex makes you happy or extremely unhappy. Depending on whether your love life is running smoothly or bobbing along. The decisive question is not whether sex is "good" or "bad", but whether two people are sexually compatible. With 423 questions, the book gives you the opportunity to concretize your own sexual profile and compare it with that of your partner or potential partner. This leads to the sexual I and the sexual you and, ideally, to the sexual we. Order now.