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When is couples therapy really worthwhile?

When a deep love begins to crumble or a marriage is on the verge of failing, it’s painful for the couple. pme couples therapist Gisela Backes uses the example of Jessica and Daniel to explain when conflicts turn into a genuine relationship crisis and how you can manage to make a fresh start. Just a heads-up: You’ll most likely have a lot of work ahead of you.

Expert: Gisela Backes, couples therapist; Editor: Christin Müller
 

The Jessica and Daniel case: When accusations keep repeating themselves!

Jessica and Daniel have been a couple for twelve years. The two met at university. They moved from Münster to Berlin together - lucrative jobs were waiting for them in the capital. Jessica worked as a project manager in a PR agency, Daniel as an engineer at a technical institute. With their wedding four years ago and their little daughter Mia, their private happiness seemed perfect.

However, the first problems soon arose. Jessica, who now mainly looked after her daughter, found it difficult to cope with no longer being able to do her old job, in which she had often worked overtime, and had bitten the bullet and taken a lower-paid job as a team assistant - a part-time position was not possible in her old job.

Daniel now saw his main task as earning money. He worked whenever he could. The earnings were also too good and the opportunities for promotion were within reach. Although the two of them had no financial worries, that one strange feeling soon crept in - that they simply no longer functioned as a couple.

Relationship crisis when the children arrive

Gisela Backes is a couples and family therapist at pme Familienservice. In recent years, she has helped many couples through a crisis, including Jessica and Daniel. "A child is a wonderful thing for a couple. It turns a relationship between two people into a small family. It inevitably has an impact on the parents' relationship." The mother often takes over the care and upbringing of the child.

1. How changes after childbirth put a partnership to the test

Just like Jessica. After her year of parental leave, she primarily took care of Mia. She kept track of all the vaccination appointments, stayed home with her when Mia had a fever, and did all the shopping after work. She slept in her daughter's room so that Daniel could sleep peacefully.

A drastic change: "When a mother has to give up her old life, dissatisfaction can quickly set in," says Gisela Backes. She may also miss the appreciation and validation from her old job. That can be frustrating. But the change didn't leave Daniel unaffected either. He longed for more time alone with his wife.

“Poor communication and misinterpretation of situations and statements are the most common causes of crises in relationships.” Gisela Backes, couples therapist at pme Familienservice

2. When parenthood displaces togetherness

Jessica wouldn't allow it. She was too exhausted from her day with the little one and secretly blamed her husband for her dissatisfaction. "Physical closeness to the child often has top priority in the first year of life and shortly afterwards. When Jessica has had many hours of close physical contact with Mia, the need for physical closeness is met. This requires understanding and patience from Daniel, but also persistent courtship of the woman as a partner.

Be sure to check out our podcast on the topic: What happens in couples therapy?

Why a lack of communication puts a strain on the relationship

The same applies to recognition at work. If there are children, the daily routines do not naturally leave room for exchange," the couple therapist points out. The lack of communication between the partners is often the reason for a misinterpretation of situations and statements: "The couple believes they know each other inside out, the words 'never' and 'always' are often used," says Backes. "But if the couple doesn't try to find solutions to the dissatisfaction or overload together, this often triggers a serious crisis.

Important are discussions about:

When silence and conflict dominate the relationship: The lines are hardening

The tone became rougher with Jessica and Daniel. Normal communication no longer seemed possible. At first they argued every day, then at some point they just kept quiet. There were days when they didn't say a word to each other and when they did, they just shouted at each other. The love that had once begun no longer seemed to exist - let alone a love life.

And somehow neither of them cared. At this point, divorce seemed closer than an agreement. There was still one last attempt, one last rebellion before the final step. Because they knew it couldn't go on like this. The couple came to Gisela Backes for counseling. The 62-year-old couples therapist helped them to overcome their crisis.

When couples go to couples therapy

"Couples always come to me when they can no longer see a way out of a critical situation themselves. This can be at the beginning of a crisis or after years of permanent crisis. The reason for counseling can be a life-changing family situation, such as a birth, a death, a serious illness, a job change, infidelity, but also disrespect, lies, injuries, childlessness, frustration, sexual reluctance or cultural differences," explains the therapist.

In Germany today, one in three marriages ends in divorce. Very few people seek professional help. Gisela Backes knows why this is the case:“In most cases, at least one of the parties involved is embarrassed to seek outside help, or at least one person doesn’t believe therapy can bring about change.”

What characterizes successful partnerships and how therapy can help

Gisela Backes cannot say in general terms how many couples she was ultimately able to help. She advises: "It's important to work on yourself as a couple, to want it and not just give up. Successful partnerships are characterized by a mutual positive choice (the partner is the absolute No. 1), by mutual love, by mutual trust and by respect and esteem for each other."

Even if some therapies are more difficult than others, Gisela Backes has never advised a couple to separate: "The decision is always made by the couple or at least one person in the partnership. All those who want to accept help or support can be helped. However, if one person makes the decision not to continue the partnership, we can also support the couple in the separation process."

Goals, methods and process: How does couples therapy work?

The approach in couples counseling depends on the goal of the counseling. "This could be, for example, improving communication, regaining trust after infidelity, reviving sexuality, or growing together as a second family," Backes continues.

There are preparatory questions for couples counseling that look back at the beginning of the relationship, at the here and now, and at wishes for the future. These questions serve as a guide in the counseling session, from which exercises for the couple can be derived if necessary.

How couples can strengthen their relationship after a crisis

1. Find more time for each other

Therapy has helped Jessica and Daniel. They have resolved to be more aware of each other as a couple again and to invest time in their relationship. There are now times when they are just there for each other. The TV is now turned off more often in the evenings and the housework is sometimes left undone. They then review the day over a glass of wine. One date a month is firmly marked in the calendar.

In the meantime, little Mia is being looked after by a babysitter. For a weekend trip to celebrate their wedding anniversary, even the grandparents, who live far away, were brought in to look after the child. "Time for each other can help. Even if it's just 15 minutes a day in which everyone can communicate without judgment and look for understanding or solutions together," says the therapist. "It's not always possible to find satisfactory answers for everyone involved. In such cases, interim solutions should be found and the topic should be discussed again after a certain period of time."

2. Maintain open communication: Keep the conversation going!

Daniel will try to reduce his workload so that his wife can pursue new career plans. Everything seems to be turning out well.

However, it's important to keep the lines of communication open! Gisela Backes summarizes: "Many people find it difficult to talk to their partner about their wishes, longings, and fears. But that's precisely what keeps a relationship vibrant."

When asked why she thinks it's worth fighting for an existing partnership, she has a very simple answer: "Because it's a wonderful feeling to love and be loved and to have a partner by your side."

Literature tips

1. Sascha Schmidt: Being a couple again! Fulfilling togetherness despite work and children (Humboldt Verlag)

2. Michael Lukas Moeller: The Truth Begins with Two – The Couple in Conversation (rororo Verlag)

3. Hans Jellouschek: How partnerships succeed - rules of the game of love: relationship crises are opportunities for growth (Herder Verlag)

FAQ: Couples therapy, relationship crisis and family life

When is couples therapy really worthwhile?


Couples therapy is worthwhile when couples can no longer find a way out of a difficult situation on their own – regardless of whether they are at the beginning of a crisis or it has been ongoing for some time. Professional help is particularly beneficial when children are involved, to protect family happiness and enable a fresh start. Accepting help takes courage, but it can bring about real change.

What is the most common reason for the breakdown of a relationship?


According to couples therapist Gisela Backes, a lack of communication and misunderstandings are the main causes of relationship crises. Open, honest conversations and consciously spending time together help couples to reconnect and address problems.

How do children affect a relationship crisis?


When parents argue or are unhappy, it puts a great strain on children's emotional well-being. Having a child brings many changes to daily life and the relationship. Especially after the birth, responsibilities and traditional role models shift, which can lead to dissatisfaction if partners don't communicate openly about it.

What can I do when accusations and arguments become part of everyday life?


Recurring accusations and constant arguments are warning signs of a deep crisis. In this situation, the couple should seek professional counseling to learn to communicate respectfully with each other again and to find solutions together.

When does couples therapy become beneficial?


Couples therapy is helpful in cases of persistent dissatisfaction, recurring arguments, communication breakdowns, or after significant life events such as childbirth, job loss, infidelity, or illness. It supports couples in openly discussing their desires, needs, and fears and in addressing potential changes.

What happens during couples counseling?


The approach in couples counseling is individualized, but always tailored to the couple's goals: often it involves improving communication, rebuilding trust after conflicts, strengthening sexuality, or growing together as a family. Couples receive guiding questions and practical exercises to actively shape their relationship.

What makes for successful partnerships?


Successful relationships are based on mutual love, respect, trust, and a genuine desire to work on their shared lives. It requires the willingness of both partners to remain open, listen, and make each other their first choice.

What if only one person is ready for change?


If one partner doesn't want to change, the therapist encourages them to seek help anyway. The decision to separate or start over should be a conscious one. Counseling can also provide support during a separation.

How can couples strengthen their relationship after a crisis?


It's important to make time for each other as a couple – small rituals, regular date nights, and everyday conversations help you reconnect as partners. Support such as babysitters or grandparents allows for shared time out, even if it's short.

Why is open communication crucial?


Only by talking about desires, fears, and longings can a relationship be kept alive. Many difficulties arise from unspoken expectations. Open communication makes closeness and understanding possible.