10.12.2025 Sabrina Ludwig 181

"Man is torn between two worlds"

In February 2022, Russia attacked Ukraine, and the fighting continues to this day. For Diana, it has become "normal" for her family to live in a war zone. She herself lives in Hamburg and works as a systemic consultant in life coaching at pme Familienservice. How can one learn to deal with the grief and fear of loved ones being threatened?

Hello Diana, thank you for taking the time to talk to us. When you heard about the attacks on Ukraine in February 2022, how did you feel?

Diana: The first few days and weeks were very difficult. You don't understand what's happening. On the very first day, I felt as if I had already lost everyone —as if they were all dead. The grief was overwhelming, and I didn't know how to deal with it.

You have to give yourself some time, then everything becomes a little clearer: what is the situation on the ground, what exactly is happening? In Ukraine, we saw that the country was defending itself and that the people weren't just giving up. That became my mindset too , and I thought to myself: if they're not giving up, why should I fall apart? This attitude helped me not to sink into passive worry. 

"As a psychologist, I know that real fears cannot simply be switched off—nor should they be. They are important because they motivate us to protect ourselves. So it's not about getting rid of fear or worry. These feelings remain, but you can learn to live with them."
Diana Degner, Life Coaching, pme Familienservice

How did you learn to live with this fear without breaking down? 

At that time, it was important for me to take action and do something that made me feel capable of acting. The worst feeling for me was powerlessness. 

Of course, it's difficult to take action because such powerful forces are involved and you ask yourself: What can I do—especially when I live somewhere completely different?

How did you get involved? In a project or privately?

I then worked on a foundation project that translated a mental health app into Ukrainian and re-recorded the relaxation exercises for the app. I was also activein a WhatsApp group crisis chat, where we helped refugees with information—for example, when they were stranded in Romania and didn't know what to do next. 

Every year, pme Familienservice a wonderful fundraising campaign. I have already been able to convince my colleagues twice to support Ukrainian projects and raise donations for them—together, we were able to make a difference for Ukrainian mothers and children affected by the war.

It doesn't have to be a special project. For example, I often call my grandmother, who sits in her rocking chair and gets scared when she hears the sirens. Talking to me distracts her for a while, and that helps. These aren't easy conversations, but they're good for her and for me.

How did you cope with everyday life knowing that your family and friends were under threat? I imagine that must have been very difficult.

I tried to carry on as normal. I went to work and shopping, tried to talk to people about everyday things. But it felt like a lie. Because afterwards I went home and watched the news non-stop and was in constant contact with my family.

It just so happens that no one from my family can come here. They are all stuck there, and I am here. Somehow, people are torn between two worlds. And you yourself no longer have any space: your own ideas, desires, and needs. 

Have you found your place to recharge your batteries?



Yes, but it took a while. One day, my husband had the idea of sending me to the spa because I was under constant stress. My jaw dropped. It was so unthinkable for me. My family is suffering and I'm going swimming? It was only much later that I realized that whether I go swimming or not doesn't hurt anyone or betray my compatriots. And I noticed that it gives me the strength to call my family more often. But it just took time. 

The topics and concerns of your fellow human beings must seem very trivial to you. How did you deal with conversations at the lunch table about normal everyday things? 

As a psychologist, I have also learned that it is acceptable to set aside one's concerns for an hour. It is acceptable to allow oneself a bit of normality, to laugh, to discuss something lighthearted, and to simply have an hour without worries. If one is able to do so in the moment, one should allow oneself to do so.

It is also important not to compare your own crises with the concerns of those around you. If my girlfriend is disappointed because a concert has been canceled, that is a legitimate feeling. Nor should you compare realities. 

It's important to listen to your gut feeling. Some days I felt rather lonely and cut off from those around me. Then it helped to spend my lunch break alone, go for a walk, or just be with someone I trusted without talking much.

Have you discussed the war in Ukraine at work?

My team members regularly asked me how I was doing, whether my family was safe, whether I wanted to talk. It wasn't so much a need to talk about it all the time, but rather a comfort to know that people cared. People see what is happening and feel compassion— for me, my country, and my family.

I think it's very important that there is space for such topics in the workplace and that support is available. I could also have taken advantage of life coaching.

As a friend or team member of a relative, I can therefore provide support primarily by offering space for conversation?

"How are you? How is your family? Would you like to talk?" It helps when the suffering is acknowledged and given space. Or genuine interest in the story: "How did this come about? Why is that the case? What is true about what we hear in the news?" These conversations have helped me personally a great deal.

In my consultations, I also find that many of those affected have a strong need to talk about it—even though they know that I cannot offer any solutions in coaching. Just offering to listen can make a big difference. There is even a nice term for this: containment —which means absorbing emotions and holding them for someone. And that is often the most valuable thing you can do.

Do you have any other offers of help that you can give to people in the same or a similar situation? 

1. I would say that the most important thing is to stay in the moment.

Being mindful in the here and now. Today, my family is safe and sound, they have enough to eat, and we keep in touch. I hold on to that. It doesn't help to imagine all kinds of disaster scenarios that might happen in the future. That doesn't do anyone any good. Instead, I try to bring myself back to the present moment again and again.



2. It is just as important to maintain structure.

There may be times when you feel completely overwhelmed and would rather not work at all. But if you call in sick and get stuck in a day full of worries, it often becomes even more difficult. A fixed daily structure can provide support and security—it is something you can hold on to.



3. Get support for yourself and find someone to talk to when you need it.

And always with the awareness that you can't help anyone if you're in need yourself. I can't be there for my family, take care of their worries, and remain completely alone myself. I also need someone to hold me.



4. Even if it's difficult: stay active and don't become completely passive.

It can also be something small. A very valuable tip is to help people who are worse off than you are. For example, a friend of mine in Ukraine, who has to endure bombings almost every night with her baby in the capital, organizes beautiful St. Nicholas gifts for the little children in a children's home and finds a lot of meaning and joy in doing so.

5. Another idea is to seek inspiration.

There are many impressive people who, despite or perhaps because of their proximity to the front lines, are keeping their businesses running or organizing fantastic aid projects. We can learn a lot from these strong and inspiring individuals, and in doing so, gain new energy.