A couple breaks up
Psyche

Should I separate? Couples therapy can be helpful


When a great love crumbles or a marriage threatens to fail, it is painful for a couple. If children are involved, even the happiness of an entire family is put to the test. pme couples therapist Gisela Backes reveals why it is worth fighting for your love and how you can manage to find a new beginning. Just this much in advance: you probably have a lot of work ahead of you.

Summary

The challenges faced by couples in a relationship crisis are highlighted, with a focus on a lack of communication and changing life circumstances. The example of Jessica and Daniel is used to illustrate how such factors can put a strain on a relationship. Couples therapist Gisela Backes explains the causes of such crises and offers solutions to improve communication and partnership. Strengthening the partnership requires work and commitment, accompanied by practical tips for maintaining the relationship. References offer further support.

 

Jessica and Daniel have been a couple for twelve years. The two met at university. They moved from Münster to Berlin together - lucrative jobs were waiting for them in the capital. Jessica worked as a project manager in a PR agency, Daniel as an engineer at a technical institute. With their wedding four years ago and their little daughter Mia, their private happiness seemed perfect.

However, the first problems soon arose. Jessica, who now mainly looked after her daughter, found it difficult to cope with no longer being able to do her old job, in which she had often worked overtime, and had bitten the bullet and taken a lower-paid job as a team assistant - a part-time position was not possible in her old job.

Daniel now saw his main task as earning money. He worked whenever he could. The earnings were also too good and the opportunities for promotion were within reach. Although the two of them had no financial worries, that one strange feeling soon crept in - that they simply no longer functioned as a couple.

"The main problem is and remains the lack of communication. If accusations are constantly repeated or supposed knowledge determines communication through the interpretation of situations, the couple is in a serious crisis." Gisela Backes, couples therapist at pme Familienservice

Partner dispute with child

When parents argue, it puts a lot of strain on children's souls.

The crisis is knocking at the door

Gisela Backes is a couples and family therapist at pme Familienservice. In recent years, she has helped many couples through a crisis, including Jessica and Daniel. "A child is a wonderful thing for a couple. It turns a relationship between two people into a small family. It inevitably has an impact on the parents' relationship." The mother often takes over the care and upbringing of the child.

Just like Jessica. After her one-year parental leave ended, she mainly looked after Mia. She kept an eye on all the vaccination appointments, stayed at home with her when Mia had a fever and did all the shopping after work. She spent the night in her daughter's room so that Daniel could sleep in peace. A drastic change: "If the mother has to give up her old life, dissatisfaction can quickly set in," says Gisela Backes. There may also be a lack of appreciation and affirmation from the old job. That can be frustrating. But the change didn't leave Daniel unscathed either. He longed for more togetherness with his wife.

"Poor communication and interpretation of situations and statements are the most common causes of crises in partnerships." Gisela Backes, couples therapist at pme Familienservice

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Jessica wouldn't allow it. She was too exhausted from her day with the little one and secretly blamed her husband for her dissatisfaction. "Physical closeness to the child often has top priority in the first year of life and shortly afterwards. When Jessica has had many hours of close physical contact with Mia, the need for physical closeness is met. This requires understanding and patience from Daniel, but also persistent courtship of the woman as a partner.

The same applies to recognition at work. If there are children, the daily routines do not naturally leave room for exchange," the couple therapist points out. The lack of communication between the partners is often the reason for a misinterpretation of situations and statements: "The couple believes they know each other inside out, the words 'never' and 'always' are often used," says Backes. "But if the couple doesn't try to find solutions to the dissatisfaction or overload together, this often triggers a serious crisis.

Discussions about jobs, childcare and child rearing, personal needs for sleep, rest, physical closeness, distribution of household tasks, leisure activities, contact with friends or hobbies are all part of it," adds Backes.

The fronts are hardening

The tone became rougher with Jessica and Daniel. Normal communication no longer seemed possible. At first they argued every day, then at some point they just kept quiet. There were days when they didn't say a word to each other and when they did, they just shouted at each other. The love that had once begun no longer seemed to exist - let alone a love life.

And somehow neither of them cared. At this point, divorce seemed closer than an agreement. There was still one last attempt, one last rebellion before the final step. Because they knew it couldn't go on like this. The couple came to Gisela Backes for counseling. The 62-year-old couples therapist helped them to overcome their crisis.

Partnership dispute

Helplessness and despair as a result of a marital crisis.

Reasons for therapy

"Couples always come to me when they can no longer see a way out of a critical situation themselves. This can be at the beginning of a crisis or after years of permanent crisis. The reason for counseling can be a life-changing family situation, such as a birth, a death, a serious illness, a job change, infidelity, but also disrespect, lies, injuries, childlessness, frustration, sexual reluctance or cultural differences," explains the therapist.

In Germany today, one in three marriages ends in divorce. Very few of them seek professional help. Gisela Backes knows why this is the case: "In most cases, at least one person involved is embarrassed to seek outside help or at least one person doesn't believe that therapy will bring about change."

Help for the relationship

Gisela Backes cannot say in general terms how many couples she was ultimately able to help. She advises: "It's important to work on yourself as a couple, to want it and not just give up. Successful partnerships are characterized by a mutual positive choice (the partner is the absolute No. 1), by mutual love, by mutual trust and by respect and esteem for each other."

Even if some therapies are more difficult than others, Gisela Backes has never advised a couple to separate: "The decision is always made by the couple or at least one person in the partnership. All those who want to accept help or support can be helped. However, if one person makes the decision not to continue the partnership, we can also support the couple in the separation process."

The approach used in couples counseling depends on what the goal of couples counseling is. "This could be, for example, improving communication, regaining trust after infidelity, reviving sexuality or growing together as a second family," Backes continues. "There are preparatory questions for couples counseling that look back to the beginning of the relationship, to the here and now and to wishes for the future. These questions serve as a guideline in the counseling session where exercises for the couple can be derived if necessary."

"Overall, I have a large toolbox of methods at my disposal in life coaching. I choose the right approach for the situation at hand." Gisela Backes, couples therapist at pme Familienservice

Partnership happy again
Overcoming a crisis means a lot of work for a couple.

The way out of the crisis

Therapy has helped Jessica and Daniel. They have resolved to be more aware of each other as a couple again and to invest time in their relationship. There are now times when they are just there for each other. The TV is now turned off more often in the evenings and the housework is sometimes left undone. They then review the day over a glass of wine. One date a month is firmly marked in the calendar.

In the meantime, little Mia is being looked after by a babysitter. For a weekend trip to celebrate their wedding anniversary, even the grandparents, who live far away, were brought in to look after the child. "Time for each other can help. Even if it's just 15 minutes a day in which everyone can communicate without judgment and look for understanding or solutions together," says the therapist. "It's not always possible to find satisfactory answers for everyone involved. In such cases, interim solutions should be found and the topic should be discussed again after a certain period of time."

Daniel wants to try to take a step back in his job so that his wife can pursue new career plans. Everything seems to be taking a good turn. But the important thing is to keep talking! Gisela Backes sums up: "Many people find it difficult to talk to their partner about their wishes, desires and fears. But that's exactly what revitalizes a partnership."

She has a very simple answer to the question of why she thinks it's worth making a commitment to an existing partnership: "Because it's a wonderful feeling to love and be loved and to have a partner by your side."

Life situation coaching at pme Familienservice

Do you need help? If your company offers the product "life situation coaching" product from pme Familienservice , our psychologists and therapists will help you with various crises, such as relationship problems, addiction or debt. You can find more information on the pme Familienservice

 

Literature tips:
Be a couple again! Fulfilling togetherness despite work and children by Sascha Schmidt, Publisher: humboldt

Sascha Schmidt Being a couple again

 

The truth begins in pairs - The couple in conversation by Michael Lukas Moeller, Publisher: rororo

Michael Moeller The truth begins in pairs

 

How partnerships succeed - The rules of love: relationship crises are opportunities for development by Hans Jellouschek, Publisher: Herder

Hans Jellouschek How partnership succeeds

 

 

zero What can I do to combat the fall blues?

Couple in the fall forest in the rain
Body & Soul

Goodbye fall blues! Strong into the cold season

Autumn has always stood for change. Just like the trees, which draw their strength back into their roots, we humans should now turn our energy inwards and focus our attention on ourselves. Prepare yourself mentally and physically now to start the cold season in good shape. Use this time to focus on the essentials, gather new strength, boost your immune system - and defy the autumn blues.

What is the autumn blues - and why does it happen?

The so-called autumn blues describes a feeling of depression that many people experience in the fall months. The end of summer and the associated transition to the colder season often bring changes in everyday life that can cause stress. The changeover to winter with ever shorter days or the gloomier weather can really upset the hormone balance. We feel tired and listless. Some people feel particularly melancholy or even depressed during this time. However, with the right strategies, you can beat the autumn blues.

Using the fall as an opportunity for growth

Autumn is the perfect time to focus on yourself and take the opportunity for personal or professional development. The cooler months invite you to establish new routines or revive old interests. Whether it's creative hobbies such as painting, knitting or cooking or professional development, new activities can help to relax the mind. Regular exercise, a healthy diet, balanced sleep and time spent outdoors can also boost well-being. A walk through autumnal woods has a mood-lifting effect. Social activities bring positive energy into everyday life.

Strengthening mental resilience: how to avoid the fall blues at work

Autumn can be a wonderful time of year. However, to stay mentally strong, it is important to actively look after your well-being not only in your private life, but also at work.
Set yourself clear goals and define priorities. This will help you stay on top of things and cope better with stressful situations. Also make sure you have a good work-life balance: regular breaks and leisure activities after work are essential to recharge your batteries.


Switch off and enjoy - the fall blues don't stand a chance.

5 simple steps to a strong immune system

Self-care is the key to starting the fall with a strong immune system. These five steps will help you get fit through the fall.

1. nutrition tips for more energy in the fall

A balanced diet can help you start the fall in good shape and avoid the fall blues. Here are a few tips:

  • Seasonal fruit and vegetables: apples, pumpkins and beet provide important vitamins and antioxidants that strengthen the immune system.
  • Nuts and seeds: They are rich in healthy fats and proteins that provide lasting energy.
  • Whole grain products: Wholemeal bread, oatmeal and quinoa are excellent sources of complex carbohydrates that release energy slowly.
  • Hydration: Drinking plenty of water helps you stay focused and alert. Herbal teas in moderation, such as green tea or nettle tea, help detoxify.
  • Protein-rich snacks: Greek yogurt or cottage cheese give you the energy boost you need to start the day fit.
  • Vitamin D: Vitamin D plays an important role in regulating hormone levels and can help to alleviate the autumn blues. As the sun's rays are too weak to produce sufficient vitamin D in the fall and winter, supplementation can be useful in the cold months.


One apple a day... Apples provide important vitamins in the fall.

2. fit through the fall: exercise tips for indoors and outdoors

It may sound strange, but fall is the perfect time of year to stay active. Whether indoors or outdoors, it is important that you exercise regularly to lift your spirits and stay healthy through the cold season.

You can start indoors with yoga or Pilates, for example - this strengthens body and mind. An online workout or a dance class in the living room also provide variety. Outside, take a walk through colorful forests or go jogging in the cool autumn wind. Cycling is also ideal for enjoying the fresh air and staying fit at the same time.

3. why regular sleep is important in the fall

Regular sleep is essential for our health and well-being. It helps to regenerate the body. Sufficient sleep improves concentration and performance. Sleep also plays an important role in emotional stability and can reduce stress. A fixed sleep rhythm supports the natural biorhythm and can prevent sleep disorders. We then feel energized and more motivated during the day. Make sure you regularly go to bed and get up at the same time to give your body the best possible support.
Do you suffer from the time change in the fall? Then perhaps these seven tips will help you to ease into winter.

4. relaxation techniques for coping with stress

Relaxation techniques are ideal for preventing the autumn blues. One effective method is progressive muscle relaxation, in which you consciously tense and relax various muscle groups. This helps to reduce tension. Breathing exercises are also effective: slow, deep breathing, such as the 4-7-8 breathing technique, calms the mind and promotes relaxation. Meditation gives you a calm mind and new energy. Sit in a relaxed place, close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing. Regular use of such techniques can lift your mood and give you a fit start to the fall. Try out what works best for you and make it a regular part of your daily routine.

The soul needs care too. Treat yourself to regular breaks and create little moments of well-being. If you don't feel well with yoga and meditation, you can also effectively counteract the autumn blues by reading, listening to music or taking a warm bath. Listen to what is really good for you.

5. how social contacts can help combat the fall blues

Summer is over and people now like to withdraw. This can quickly make you feel isolated. Use the fall season to cultivate friendships or make new professional contacts. A strong network offers emotional support and helps you not to feel alone. Shared activities such as walks, game nights or a meal can lift your spirits and distract you from negative thoughts. In addition, regular meetings and conversations can structure everyday life and provide variety. Social interactions also promote the release of endorphins, which act as natural mood enhancers.