Good communication with children and young people
How can we treat each other with understanding in order to create a balanced relationship between children and adults? An interview with parenting expert Jan-Uwe Rogge.
Mr. Rogge, what often goes wrong in communication between parents and children? Is there a "classic"?
Jan-Uwe Rogge: One problem is that parents don't communicate clearly. For example, they say "we" when they actually mean "I". Parents also say a lot of things that children can't relate to - they "babble on" and the children don't know where they stand.
There is a rule of thumb: 66% of communication is based on facial expressions and gestures, 33% on the sound of the voice - the rest is the content. And that is the reason why a "no" said with a smile does not come across as such to children.
How do you listen to children properly?
I often hear this very question. But when it comes to listening, there is no such thing as "right" or "good". There is only active listening, which shows the other person: "I'm with you, I'm engaging with you, I'm there for you and your arguments". This also means that I don't immediately throw answers at a child when they say something. For example: When children tell me about arguments with classmates after school, parents often immediately ask: "So, did you put up a fight?". Or they give advice - but advice is also a slap in the face.
What to do if an argument threatens to escalate? Do you have a quick exit strategy for parents?
Yes, this is the time-out strategy. Children and parents agree on a code word such as "stop". As soon as this word is said, they go their separate ways for a certain amount of time. It is important that everyone involved can say the code word when they have the feeling: "There's going to be stress soon". Later, everyone comes back together to find a solution together.
How do parents stay in contact with children who prefer to hide away in their room?
It helps if you have established communication rituals from the outset that are linked to certain situations. For example, eating together and talking while doing so. I can only recommend that parents maintain these rituals even when the older children no longer feel like it. And to convey to the children that this is really important to them. Rituals are important in everyday life, regardless of whether they take place every day, every two days or once a week.
What do you think? Is it okay to get loud sometimes? For example, if I have to say something for the hundredth time?
Speaking up is a sign that you have missed the right moment. It happens in everyday life. But when it happens, I have to have the courage to apologize for it.
Is there one tip that helps all parents - all the time?
Accept yourself as you are. Then you can accept your child as they are.
"Parents often say "we" when they actually mean "I""
Dr. Jan-Uwe Rogge, educational consultant
