Talking to parents about dying
Talking about death and dying is usually difficult, especially with your own parents. But talking at an early stage takes the pressure off everyone involved in an emergency. In this article, you will find valuable tips on how to discuss this sensitive topic openly with your family and make important decisions together.
Read more in this article:
- Why talk to parents about dying?
- How do I broach the subject of dying in the family?
- Checklist: How to prepare the conversation with parents about death
- Obstacles and conflicts in the conversation about dying
- Guidelines: The most important topics to discuss with parents
- 5 tips for a successful conversation about dying
- FAQ: Frequently asked questions about talking to parents about dying
Why talk to parents about dying?
Dying is a topic that raises many questions, for example:
- Who should be informed in an emergency?
- How should the funeral service be organized?
- Where are important documents such as wills and dispositions?
- Which subscriptions and contracts need to be canceled?
An open discussion helps to understand your parents' wishes and to make provisions. This creates security, prevents conflicts (e.g. between siblings) and ensures that everyone is well prepared.
How do I broach the subject of dying in the family?
The first step is often the most difficult. Here's how to get off to a sensitive start: start with a specific reason, e.g. "I've been reading about living wills and thinking about our family." Ask gently: "Would you like to discuss this together?" and offer to prepare the conversation.
Checklist: How to prepare the conversation with parents about death
Use the time efficiently by having important information and materials ready:
- Information on burial and cremation
- Contacts of funeral homes in the vicinity
- Example of a funeral serviceTemplates for wills and living wills
- Pens and paper to take notes for all participants
Tip: A short video (e.g. an interview with a mortician or an end-of-life counselor) can visually support the conversation and reduce inhibitions.
Obstacles and conflicts in the conversation about dying
Emotions and old conflicts can come up - especially when it comes to inheritance. This is important:
- Remain calm, respectful and show understanding.
- Avoid accusations or arguments.
- Accept different opinions.
This creates trust and an atmosphere in which everyone is willing to listen.
Guidelines: The most important topics to discuss with parents
Documents and important information
- Where are birth, marriage and divorce certificates, living wills and organ donor cards?
- Who should be notified in the event of death? Where are the contact details?
- Are there bank powers of attorney (beyond death), and who should receive them?
- Would your parents like to record their wishes in writing?
Wishes for the funeral service and in remembrance
- How should the funeral and memorial service be organized?
- What music, readings or rituals are desired? Funeral attire or colorful clothing?
- Private ceremony or celebration with family and friends?
- Burial or cremation? Cemetery or cemetery forest?
- Are there any contracts with funeral directors or death insurance companies?
- What form of commemoration do the parents want? Gravestone, plaque, donations?
Settling your estate and inheritance
- Is there a will? What should happen to assets and possessions?
- Should certain persons or organizations be considered?
- Is there a list of subscriptions or memberships to be canceled?
- How should digital estate data (social media, passwords, files) be regulated?
- Settling the digital estate
5 tips for a successful conversation about dying
1. choose the right time
Plan at least 1-2 hours and create an undisturbed atmosphere.
2. communicate appreciatively
Listen, show understanding and remain calm.
3. be well prepared
Use our checklist and prepare materials.
4. handle conflicts objectively
Avoid arguments and instead promote a respectful exchange.
5. plan breaks
Take time to breathe and relax, provide snacks and drinks.
FAQ: Frequently asked questions about talking to parents about dying
When is the best time to talk to my parents about dying?
The best time is when everyone is relaxed and open - for example at a quiet meeting or over a meal together. It is important that there is enough time and quiet for the conversation.
How do I start the conversation gently without overwhelming my parents?
Start with a specific reason, e.g. "I've read about living wills and wanted to know what you think". Ask your relatives openly if they would like to talk about it and offer support.
What can I do if my parents don't want to talk about dying?
Respect their reticence at first. Remain patient and show that you are always ready for a conversation when they are ready. Sometimes an external discussion partner such as a doctor or counselor can help.
How do I deal with family conflicts that arise when it comes to inheritance or wills?
Remain calm and mediate respectfully between the parties involved. Avoid accusations and encourage an objective dialog. Mediation can be useful in serious conflicts.
Which documents should I definitely talk about with parents?
Clarify important documents such as living wills, organ donor cards, wills, powers of attorney and insurance policies. Knowing where these documents are kept is crucial.
How can I ensure that my parents' wishes regarding the funeral service are respected?
Ask for specific ideas about the type of funeral, music, rituals, clothing preferences and guests. Document these wishes in writing and discuss them with other relatives.
What is a digital estate and how is it regulated?
The digital estate includes social media profiles, online accounts, passwords and digital files. It is important to make arrangements for this, e.g. through a list of access data or trusted persons.
Sources and further information
Online patient decree from the consumer advice center
Brochure "Inheritance and bequests" from the Federal Ministry of Justice
Deutsche Friedhofsgesellschaft: Types of burial and funeral director search
Federal Association of German Funeral Directors
