Two girlfriends kissing a girlfriend on the cheeks
Psyche

Why we should kiss more often

When was the last time you kissed? Kissing strengthens our relationships and reduces stress. The 6-second kiss is even said to keep your relationship happy and alive.

(Expert: Carline Krügl, coach for sexuality & love | Editor: Sabrina Ludwig)

Why kissing is so important for body and mind

A colorful happiness cocktail of dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins floods our body, reduces our anxiety and strengthens our emotional bond. At the same time, the immune system is strengthened, sexual desire is increased and blood flow to the facial muscles and even the whole body is improved.

Over 30 facial muscles are active when kissing, a kiss can burn up to 20 calories and in the course of a lifetime around 100,000 kisses are shared.

So kissing is not only beautiful, but also a real health booster - for body, mind and relationship.

The kiss as a reflection of our relationship

"Kissing is a true reflection of the state of a relationship," says psychotherapist and author Wolfgang Krüger(book: "Kissing as the language of love"). And the first indication of problems in a relationship is a lack of kissing.

Krüger's reasoning: Because when kissing, you have to get involved with the other person, feel his or her pace and perceive the smell and taste.

The American psychologist Dr. John Gottman does not claim that a lack of kisses indicates a lack of love. However, he is also convinced that kissing is a simple and effective ritual that can help to keep a relationship alive and loving.
 


 

The "6-second kiss": the secret of happy couples

Together with his wife Dr. Julie Gottman, Dr. John Gottman is one of the most renowned couples therapists in the world. Both researchers are known for their scientifically sound methods that promote a stable and happy relationship. Gottman's research is based on decades of observations of over 650 couples in the so-called Love Lab. 

The "6-second kiss" is a small but significant recommendation from John Gottman:

"A deliberate, passionate kiss lasting at least six seconds - every day."

In his blog post "The six second kiss", the scientist explains that a six-second kiss increases well-being in relationships and reduces stress:

"A six second kiss is one of the least time-consuming ways to improve things with your partner."

Gotman's research shows that the bonding hormone oxytocin, which strengthens the emotional bond and trust between two people, is only released after a six-second kiss. A fleeting kiss is simply too short for this. 

This is how the 6-second kiss works:

  • It strengthens the emotional bond
  • Reduces stress
  • Increases the feeling of closeness and trust
  • Reminds you that your partner is more than just a roommate

Incidentally, John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman have now been married for 35 years. Together they founded the Gottman Institute and developed many of the best-known methods for couples therapy - such as the "Sound Relationship House".
 

Kissing in different cultures

A 2015 study by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University came to the conclusion that romantic kissing occurs in 46 percent of the 168 cultures studied.

Especially in the Middle East, North America and Europe, many kisses are distributed. In African cultures south of the Sahara, on New Guinea or in Central America, kisses associated with love and sexuality play less or no role.

Where does the kiss come from - theories on its origins

All that remains is speculation. One theory is that our extinct ancestors, the Neanderthals, are said to have passed food from mouth to mouth. But of course nobody wrote anything down back then - and so it remains unclear whether this is how kissing began.

In 2024, evolutionary psychologist Adriano Lameira from the British University of Warwick put forward a completely new theory . He points out that there is a behavior in the animal kingdom that combines the characteristics of kissing: In the final step of grooming, the grooming monkey touches the other with pursed lips and sucks up any parasites or dirt found. After the monkeys had lost their fur, the removal of parasites by kissing would continue.

Even if we don't know how the kiss originated, one thing is clear: kissing is an important part of our lives. The kiss is a sign of love, friendship and care - and exists in many different ways alongside the romantic kiss: as a kiss on the hand, a kiss in the air or a kiss on the cheek as a greeting.

"A kiss is not just a touch of the lips, but a form of communication that connects us with the other person in a special way. Used correctly, it can replace many words. Not just those of love, but also those of farewell, friendship or a promise."
Carline Krügl, coach on sexuality and love, pme Familienservice


 

FAQ - Your most important questions about kissing

Question 1: Why does kissing strengthen the relationship?

Kissing promotes the release of oxytocin, the "bonding hormone", which creates closeness, trust and cohesion.

Question 2: How long should a kiss last?

Studies show that a kiss should last at least 6 seconds to achieve the full effect of oxytocin.

Question 3: Does kissing really burn calories?

Yes, kissing works over 30 facial muscles, which can burn around 2-3 calories per minute.

Are there cultures in which kissing is unusual?

Yes, in some regions of Africa, South America and Oceania, kissing is not practiced as an expression of love and affection.

Further sources and experts

  • Wolfgang Krüger: "Kissing as the language of love"
  • John and Julie Gottman: Research in the Love Lab and "Sound Relationship House"
  • Study "The ancient history of kissing" (Science, 2024)
     
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zero Business psychologist Vera Starker: "Hate is destructive - confidence is the exact opposite"

to see is the author Vera Starker
Psyche

Business psychologist Vera Starker on confidence

Vera Starker is certain that confidence can help us shape our lives and society in a positive way, especially in uncertain times. In this interview, the Spiegel bestselling author talks about how confidence can act as a formative force in our society. She shares personal experiences and gives impulses on how we can remain optimistic in times of crisis and actively bring about positive change.

For me, "being courageous" means acting despite fears

"Courage to be confident" is a very powerful title. What inspired you personally to write a book that deals intensively with this topic?

Vera Starker: I am a confident person by nature. But last year, I realized that all the negative news was increasingly sapping my energy. This led me to take a closer look at the topic of confidence on a scientific level. 

For me, "being courageous" means acting despite fears. And confidence is the key to finding this courage. At a time when we are confronted with many uncertainties, we need the confidence to embrace positive change and take action.

In your book, you emphasize the transformative power of confidence. How do you see the role of confidence as a shaping force in our society?

Confidence has the potential to keep us capable of acting, even in the midst of crises. It enables us not to remain powerless, but to actively seek solutions to solve complex problems. 

Especially in the future, in a world full of challenges, the power of confidence will be crucial in order to continuously adapt and enable positive change. Without confidence, all we can do is hesitate - with confidence, we can create.

In your opinion, what is the first step that each of us can take to actively bring about positive change?

It is important to recognize where we can actually make an impact. Confidence arises above all when we have the feeling that we can make a difference. We should focus on the areas where we can make a direct difference instead of being overwhelmed by things that are beyond our reach. 

The next step is to set realistic goals that match our skills. If we set ourselves goals that are too high and cannot be achieved, we lose our sense of effectiveness. The power of confidence lies in remaining capable of action and bringing about positive change in the areas over which we have influence.

Hate is destructive - confidence is the exact opposite

In one chapter of your book, you deal intensively with the topic of hate. How can we as a society learn to overcome hate and what role does confidence play in bringing about positive change?

Vera Starker: Hate is destructive - confidence is the exact opposite. We have to decide whether we react to hate or rely on confidence. Confidence means clearly recognizing challenges and then looking for opportunities to act - even if they seem small at first. 

It is crucial to surround yourself with people who also have a constructive attitude and strive for positive change. Cohesion creates a force that enables us to move in a positive direction as a society.

Was there a personal moment in your life when "courage to be confident" played a decisive role for you? If so, could you tell us more about it?

Vera Starker: Yes, in my youth I had some very challenging human experiences that presented me with a difficult decision: Should these events define my life or could I overcome them? 

I decided to overcome them, which made me realize that there is always a way - no matter how small it may seem. However, sometimes it takes great courage not to give up and to keep going. 

This moment taught me that confidence doesn't mean closing your eyes to problems, but finding the courage to carry on despite everything.

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