"As a relative, I am a supporting pillar"
As part of the campaign "Unspeakable? Cancer in everyday working life", pme employee Michael talks about his partner's cancer.
What impact does it have on the relationship and everyday life when a partner is diagnosed with cancer? How can you be there for the other person and take care of yourself at the same time? What can colleagues, friends and relatives do? An interview with pme employee Michael, whose partner was diagnosed with cancer four years ago.
Dear Michael, how did you come into contact with the subject of cancer? What feelings do you remember?
Michael: More than four years ago, my partner at the time was unexpectedly diagnosed with malignant melanoma. A diagnosis like this brings many challenges for the patient, but also for close family members. First of all, you have to digest this diagnosis, and then fear sets in: How threatening is it? Is it treatable or does it mean the end?
What impact does a partner's serious illness have on everyday life?
As a partner, you are involved at various levels. When the treatment starts, there are a lot of doctor and hospital appointments. I usually accompanied my partner to the appointments, but I was also working full time and had to coordinate all of this with my job. In addition, the division of labour in everyday life no longer works when your partner is ill, whether it's the household, organizational matters or shopping. I had to take on a lot of things.
How was your job in terms of compatibility?
In a situation like this, you reach your limits. You have to take your appointments with doctors and in hospitals as you get them. It was important that my team and my employer had my back.
However, nobody can imagine what a partner's illness means. I have to say what my personal situation is at the moment and that this will affect my availability. And then you have to discuss how you can manage this well.
If colleagues or managers don't know what's going on, they sometimes look for an explanation themselves, and this can lead in the wrong direction. Maybe they just notice that someone no longer seems as committed or is less reliable and productive than before. That's why it's so important to talk to them. As a rule, everyone reacts very sympathetically and wants to be supportive.
How did you experience communication with your environment about the illness?
People who have not yet come into closer contact with the topic of cancer are often overwhelmed. In my experience, many people are unsure whether they should talk to us about the disease. They don't want to be indiscreet, but at the same time they are afraid of not appearing empathetic or brusque if they don't ask how the person with cancer is doing. Good communication is very important so that those around you can react appropriately. If you, as the person affected or a relative, don't feel able to deal with it well, then you should say so.
It's often nice to be as normal as possible with each other, because the illness is very present anyway. Sometimes I was grateful for a bit of normality. And even in a situation like this, humor helps and you should keep it.
What was it like living with your ill partner?
This situation is of course difficult for everyone, especially the person who is ill is in an exceptional state. You have to be prepared for the fact that, as a partner, you can also act as a "lightning rod" and often experience frustration. Nerves are frayed and conflictual situations and arguments occur from time to time. It's important to maintain your own boundaries and let off steam from time to time. Because sometimes you reach your own limits and have to be careful with yourself. As a partner, you are a supporting pillar in the couple or family system.
Who were you able to share your worries, fears and hardships with?
My most important contact was my best friend. I can talk to her very openly about everything, we don't need many words. I also had good support from my parents and someone in my circle of friends who had a partner with cancer for many years and knew the situation very well. Talking to him was very valuable for me.
What has proved helpful?
It was very important to me to accompany my partner to the doctor's appointments. I wanted to hear from the doctor's point of view about how things were going, how the treatment was progressing and what could be done. At the beginning at least, my partner was sometimes in shock at the appointments and couldn't really take in the information from the doctors. We then talked about it again at home and I translated one-to-one what was discussed at the appointment. As a relative, I need information to be able to provide support and I should get it. That's why it's very valuable to approach such appointments together.
Where do you reach your limits as a relative?
As a partner, you can absorb a lot. But I mustn't take on the role of therapist, because that would be too much for me. Besides, as a partner you are often too close. Some things are easier for the sufferer to accept from a therapist or a person from a more distant environment. This is where professional services can provide support and assistance.
Where can patients and their relatives get help?
There are specialist departments with experts who specialize in the field of oncology and psycho-oncological advice centres that patients and family members can turn to. During hospital treatment, the hospital social services provide support and initiate assistance and measures.
We also recommend self-help groups where those affected or their relatives can exchange ideas. You can also start by taking advantage of general life coaching, such as the life coaching offered by pme.
In the aftermath, I also recommend that sufferers undergo psychotherapy to work through what they have experienced, because there is a great deal of stress behind them.
What has helped you personally to stay in balance?
My stable social environment helped me the most. I knew that there were people with whom I could talk about my worries and fears and with whom I could sometimes do something nice. You can't go into shock and only focus on the illness.
In the beginning, you often take a step back from the comforts of life. You have to function and cope with everyday life. But that's not the right approach. As a relative, I am a supporting pillar in this system. I need sources of strength to recharge my batteries. That's why I can and must turn to the things in life that give me strength and keep me in balance. Everyone has their own activities. Whether I meet up with a good friend for a coffee, go to the gym or to the theater, etc. - whatever is good for you and gives you balance and energy is allowed. And without a guilty conscience.
Our campaign is called "Cancer: unspeakable?". Has the subject ever been unspeakable for you?
It wasn't easy for me to talk about it in that situation. Now I can only say: "Cancer is definitely not unspeakable". I have to share my thoughts, my worries and hardships with others. I have to cope with everyday life. I have to explain myself so that my colleagues and managers understand what's going on and what I need. The worst thing is not talking about it.
Is cancer a taboo subject in companies? What can employers do to break it down?
As a consultant and coach, I have the impression that illnesses are often taboo in companies, especially cancer. That's why it was a matter close to my heart to take part in this campaign.
It is important that employers raise such issues with employees. They need to know that there are support options within the company and that they can take advantage of advice or coaching. This also means that colleagues and teams need to be in contact with each other in order to provide mutual support and encouragement.
As a life coach, do you often come into contact with the topic of cancer?
Figures show that cancer is on the rise, especially among young people. We also feel this in our life coaching. Above all, we see the needs of those directly affected and their relatives.
Sufferers are often tormented by fears and worries and need to talk. At the same time, they wonder how to deal with it, how to manage their work and family life. There are many uncertainties. For family members, it is often a field of tension between excessive demands and overload, frustration and uncertainty. How do I deal with the rollercoaster of emotions? Am I allowed to express my needs? Can I do something for myself without feeling guilty? It's good to discuss this with someone.
Do you have the feeling that people find it difficult to talk about cancer?
Yes, many people find it difficult. On the one hand, there is the fear that it will be interpreted as weakness if they are not resilient or resilient. Some have not learned to show that they need help. You always have to be strong and function, and many of us are driven by such imprints. This leads to us no longer perceiving our own needs or ignoring them - and that can make us ill.
But I'm also seeing that life counseling and therapy no longer have the negative connotations they used to. The trend is towards seeking help and talking about it. That is a very positive development. Talking can help to keep the soul healthy.
All information about the campaign "Unspeakable? Cancer in everyday working life"
