Separation from your partner: When love breaks up
When a great love crumbles or a marriage threatens to fail, it is painful for a couple. If children are involved, even the happiness of an entire family is put to the test. pme couples therapist Gisela Backes reveals why it is worth fighting for your love and how you can manage to find a new beginning. Just this much in advance: you probably have a lot of work ahead of you.
Jessica and Daniel have been a couple for twelve years. The two met at university. Together they moved from Münster to Berlin - lucrative jobs were waiting for them in the capital. Jessica worked as a project manager in a PR agency, Daniel as an engineer at a technical institute. With their wedding four years ago and their little daughter Mia, their private happiness seemed perfect. However, the first problems soon arose. Jessica, who now mainly looked after their daughter, found it difficult to cope with no longer being able to do her old job, in which she had previously often worked overtime.
She had bitten the bullet and taken a lower-paid job as a team assistant - a part-time position was not possible in her old job. Daniel now saw his main task as earning the money. He worked whenever he could. The pay was also too good and the opportunities for promotion were within reach. Although the two of them had no financial worries, this one strange feeling soon crept in - that they simply no longer functioned as a couple.
"The main problem is and remains the lack of communication. If accusations are constantly repeated or supposed knowledge determines communication through the interpretation of situations, the couple is in a serious crisis." Gisela Backes, pme Familienservice
The crisis is knocking at the door
Gisela Backes is a family therapist at pme Familienservice. In recent years, she has helped many couples through a crisis, including Jessica and Daniel. "A child is a wonderful thing for a couple. It turns a relationship between two people into a small family. It inevitably has an impact on the parents' relationship." The mother often takes over the care and upbringing of the child.
Just like Jessica. After her one-year parental leave ended, she mainly looked after Mia. She kept an eye on all the vaccination appointments, stayed at home with her when Mia had a fever and did all the shopping after work. She spent the night in her daughter's room so that Daniel could sleep in peace. A drastic change: "If the mother has to give up her old life, dissatisfaction can quickly set in," says Gisela Backes. There may also be a lack of appreciation and affirmation from the old job. That can be frustrating. But the change didn't leave Daniel unscathed either. He longed for more togetherness with his wife.
"Poor communication and interpretation of situations and statements are the most common causes of crises in partnerships." Gisela Backes, pme Familienservice
Jessica wouldn't allow it. She was too exhausted from her day with the little one and secretly blamed her husband for her dissatisfaction. "Physical closeness to the child often has top priority in the first year of life and shortly afterwards. When Jessica has had many hours of close physical contact with Mia, the need for physical closeness is met. This requires understanding and patience from Daniel, but also persistent courtship of the woman as a partner.
The same applies to recognition at work. If there are children, the daily routines do not naturally leave room for exchange," the couple therapist points out. The lack of communication between the partners is often the reason for a misinterpretation of situations and statements: "The couple believes they know each other inside out, the words 'never' and 'always' are often used," says Backes. "But if the couple doesn't try to find solutions to the dissatisfaction or overload together, this often triggers a serious crisis. Discussions about job, childcare and child rearing, personal needs for sleep, rest, physical closeness, distribution of household tasks, leisure activities, contact with friends or hobbies are all part of this," adds Backes.
The fronts are hardening
The tone became rougher with Jessica and Daniel. Normal communication no longer seemed possible. At first they argued every day, then at some point they just kept quiet. There were days when they didn't say a word to each other and when they did, they just shouted at each other. The love that had once begun no longer seemed to exist - let alone a love life. And somehow neither of them cared. At this point, divorce seemed closer than an agreement. There was still one more attempt, one last gasp before the final step. Because they knew it couldn't go on like this. The couple came to Gisela Backes for counseling. The 62-year-old couples therapist helped them to overcome their crisis.
Reasons for therapy
"Couples always come to me when they can no longer see a way out of a critical situation themselves. This can be at the beginning of a crisis or after years of permanent crisis. The reason for counseling can be a life-changing family situation, such as a birth, a death, a serious illness, a job change, infidelity, but also disrespect, lies, injuries, childlessness, frustration, sexual reluctance or cultural differences," explains the therapist.
In Germany today, one in three marriages ends in divorce. Very few of them seek professional help. Gisela Backes knows why this is the case: "In most cases, at least one person involved is embarrassed to seek outside help or at least one person doesn't believe that therapy will bring about change."
Help for the relationship
Gisela Backes cannot say in general terms how many couples she was ultimately able to help. She advises: "It's important to work on yourself as a couple, to want it and not just give up. Successful partnerships are characterized by a mutual positive choice (the partner is the absolute No. 1), by mutual love, by mutual trust and by respect and esteem for each other."
Even if some therapies are more difficult than others, Gisela Backes has never advised a couple to separate: "The decision is always made by the couple or at least one person in the partnership. All those who want to accept help or support can be helped. However, if one person makes the decision not to continue the partnership, we can also support the couple in the separation process."
The approach used in couples counseling depends on what the goal of couples counseling is. "This could be, for example, improving communication, regaining trust after infidelity, reviving sexuality or growing together as a second family," Backes continues. "There are preparatory questions for couples counseling that look back to the beginning of the relationship, to the here and now and to wishes for the future. These questions serve as a guideline in the counseling session where exercises for the couple can be derived if necessary."
"Overall, I have a large toolbox of methods at my disposal in life coaching. I choose the right approach for the situation at hand." Gisela Backes, pme Familienservice
The way out of the crisis
Therapy has helped Jessica and Daniel. They have resolved to be more aware of each other as a couple again and to invest time in their relationship. There are now times when they are just there for each other. The TV is now turned off more often in the evenings and the housework is sometimes left undone. They then review the day over a glass of wine. One date a month is firmly marked in the calendar. In the meantime, a babysitter looks after little Mia. For a weekend trip for their wedding anniversary, they even brought in the grandparents who live far away to look after the child. "Time for each other can help. Even if it's just 15 minutes a day in which everyone can communicate without judgment and look for understanding or solutions together," says the therapist. "It's not always possible to find satisfactory answers for everyone involved. Interim solutions should then be found and the topic should be discussed again after a certain period of time."
Daniel wants to try to take a step back in his job so that his wife can pursue new career plans. Everything seems to be taking a good turn. But the important thing is to keep talking! Gisela Backes sums up: "Many people find it difficult to talk to their partner about their wishes, desires and fears. But that's exactly what revitalizes a partnership." She has a very simple answer to the question of why she thinks it's worth making a commitment to an existing partnership: "Because it's a wonderful feeling to love and be loved and to have a partner by your side."
Gisela Backes is a qualified educationalist and psychotherapist (HP) and works at pme Familienservice in Cologne as head of the pme assistance division.
Do you need help? If your company has purchased our "life situation coaching" from pme Familienservice , our psychologists and therapists will help you with various crises, such as relationship problems, addiction or debt. You can find more information on the pme Familienservice website.
Literature tips:
Be a couple again! Fulfilling togetherness despite work and children by Sascha Schmidt, Publisher: humboldt
The truth begins in pairs - The couple in conversation by Michael Lukas Moeller, Publisher: rororo
How partnerships succeed - The rules of love: relationship crises are opportunities for development by Hans Jellouschek, Publisher: Herder
