Communication in the partnership: Transactional analysis by Eric Berne
Arguing in a relationship is normal. But why do we so often misunderstand each other? Researcher Eric Berne discovered that we switch between three ego states. If you know these, you can avoid many an argument.
"Tobias, have you seen my pink blanket? My mother's?" asks Clara irritably. "No, I haven't! Why do you suspect me of having misplaced your things again?" Clara and Tobias actually wanted to spend a nice afternoon in the park. But the good mood is gone. And now neither Clara nor Tobias really want to spend the day with the other.
Arguments like this happen in the best relationships. However, if arguments like this happen more often, resentment quickly builds up and both sides think the other doesn't mean well. This is poison for a relationship.
How couples deal better with arguments
In couples counseling and therapy, therapists often work with a model from Eric Berne's transactional analysis. It shows how misunderstandings can arise between two people.
The Canadian psychologist discovered that we switch between three different states when communicating with others: our "parent ego", the "adult ego" and our "child ego". Our choice of words, tone of voice, facial expressions and gestures reveal which state we are currently in. This means that we feel and behave differently in different situations and even think differently. Transactional analysis calls this combination of thinking, feeling and behavior an "ego state".
The 3 "ego states" of transactional analysis
Based on Sigmund Freud's theory, Eric Berne describes the three "ego states" in transactional analysis as follows: In the parental ego, we think, feel and behave as an authority figure has done in our lives. In communication with our conversation partner, this is expressed, for example, by telling our counterpart what he or she should do or that we do not approve of his or her behavior. Typical phrases are, for example, "How many times have I told you that ..." or "Again?"
In the adult ego , we behave maturely and assess the situation objectively and objectively. We are guided by facts and figures and communicate with our conversation partner respectfully and rationally. This state can be recognized by assessments such as "I think" or "I think so ..." or by open questions to our conversation partner.
In the child self, on the other hand, we think, feel and act in the same way as we did when we were children. Unfiltered, we act out our feelings and react in a disagreeable and defiant way, are offended or silly or react insecurely and shyly. Tantrums, rolling eyes and statements such as "But I don't want to!" are typical of the child ego.
Ideally, two adults should talk on an adult level: reasonably and at eye level. Because then we listen carefully to the other person, evaluate their statements objectively and are better able to clear up misunderstandings. However, if the dialog level shifts to one of the other two ego states, this can quickly lead to conflict-laden communication. Eric Berne calls this a transaction.
Communication needs to be practiced
However, the ego state from which we react and communicate usually happens unconsciously. Someone says something and we react to it. If we are not in our adult ego state, it can easily lead to an argument. As with our example couple Clara and Tobias. Her irritated tone of voice clearly shows Tobias that she is not only looking for the pink blanket, but is also accusing him of being responsible for its disappearance. She is therefore communicating from her parental ego and criticizing his behaviour. Tobias, in turn, reacts angrily and insulted. His child self has gained the upper hand.
Fortunately, our states are not fixed. This means that we can practise influencing our actions and speech and allow our adult self to take precedence. And so Tobias' answer to Clara's question could also look like this: "I haven't put the blanket away, but if you like, we can look for it together." This would give Clara time to think about whether her reproach was really fair. It probably wasn't. And she would probably apologize to Tobias. And the day in the park would also be saved - with or without the blanket.
First steps to get to the bottom of your ego states:
- Which of the three ego states could I most likely ascribe to myself?
- From which ego state do I react in which situation?
- What benefits could it have for me to become aware of my ego state - and to change it if necessary?
Try to take a step back from time to time and analyze a conversation situation with regard to the three ego states. This is a very good way of identifying established communication patterns between you and the person you are talking to.
For example, if you find yourself frequently patronizing your partner, this is already the first step towards positive change.
Conscious communication: 3 tips from Katharina Döring, life coach
1. you messages always put the other person on the defensive
"You're late again!" You have to take such an attack personally. It's better to talk about your feelings: "I had to wait a long time for you today, even though we had an appointment. That's why I'm really angry with you right now!"
2. avoid generalizations and you-phrases like "You never keep your promises!"
Formulate your criticism as a complaint for the specific case: "You promised to go to the movies with me today. That didn't work out and that annoys me now."
3. stay in the present with your complaints
You should forgive yourself and your partner for oldsins as quickly as possible, otherwise they will poison your relationship in the long term.
Further reading:
- Rainer Schmidt: Always talk to each other properly: Transactional analysis at work and in everyday life (2009)
