Unfulfilled desire to have children: how to master the challenge
For many people, starting a family is an integral part of life planning. However, if the wish for a child of their own remains unfulfilled, this is a painful process that can trigger a life crisis. Find out how couples and singles can deal with the emotional strain.
An unfulfilled desire to have children is not uncommon
It is not uncommon for the desire to have children to remain unfulfilled. According to a study published by the BMFSFJ in 2020, 32% of women and men between the ages of 20 and 50 are unintentionally childless. Compared to 2013, this is a significant increase of seven percent.
In addition, a look at the total number of unintentionally childless people shows that the issue affects not only couples, but also singles. In 2020, 65.5% of people in Germany were living in a heterosexual partnership, 3% in a homosexual partnership and 31.5% in no fixed partnership.
For more information, the BMFSFJ study published in 2020 provides extensive figures on the reasons, causes and experiences of discrimination of unintentionally childless women, men and couples from different social milieus, broken down by age and gender. The study also provides insights into the feelings of affected couples and shows what help and support services they would like.
Causes of an unfulfilled desire to have children
There are many reasons why it is difficult or impossible to have children. Biological causes such as fertility problems, hormonal disorders or illnesses often play a role. But psychological factors such as excessive stress or relationship problems can also make the path more difficult.
Involuntary childlessness is often the result of a combination of several factors, which is why it is advisable to seek medical and psychological help and advice from specialists in good time if difficulties persist.
Emotional stress during the fertility phase
If the desired child does not come about naturally, frustration and disappointment quickly spread in the couple's relationship and put a strain on the psyche. Feelings of guilt or inferiority can arise.
One ray of hope is now reproductive medicine, which offers a wide range of fertility treatments, from hormone treatments to artificial insemination, that can fulfill the desire to have children. However, such treatments can be physically and emotionally challenging, especially for women. They are the ones who have to undergo strenuous therapies, along with regular appointments at the fertility center, surgical procedures and the intake of hormones that can have side effects.
In this exceptional emotional situation, those affected rarely seek support from friends or family. The shame and the feeling of having failed are too great. The aforementioned study "Involuntary childlessness 2020" also showed that the involuntarily childless feel misunderstood and marginalized by society. It also became clear that women suffer more from this than men.
Prejudices in same-sex partnerships with the desire to have children
Families with two mothers or two fathers are increasingly taken for granted by society. Nevertheless, they are more frequently confronted with concerns about the lack of another figure of identification with the opposite sex. Studies show that children do not experience any negative effects when they grow up in so-called rainbow families. The decisive factor for a child's healthy and happy development is not primarily the gender, but the quality of the relationship between the guardians and the child.
Prejudices against single people who want to have children
If singles express the desire to plan a family, the question of a suitable partner quickly arises. However, people who want to have children do not always want to live in the classic family model of mother, father, child. Either out of conviction or because the right life partner has not (yet) been found.
With more serenity through the fertility phase
Even if many of those affected go through a rollercoaster of emotions during this time, it is advisable not to neglect your previous life.
- If you have put activities, leisure pursuits or friendships on hold, take them up again.
- If the mental or physical stress becomes too great, take a "vacation from the desire to have children": set a period of time in which you do not talk about the desire to have children and do not make any attempts to fulfill your wish to have children.
- Be prepared for the fact that there will be times when you will have to endure mood swings. Think in advance about what might be good for you then.
Help through professional advice
Seek professional help if you can no longer cope with the emotional rollercoaster ride between hope and disappointment. If you feel that you cannot cope with your life situation, if you are withdrawing, if your partnership is suffering due to the unfulfilled desire to have children or if you are faced with decisions that are overwhelming you, then psychosocial counseling can be helpful and relieving.
Counseling can help,
- to obtain and evaluate information,
- to find a suitable treatment concept,
- develop more composure,
- Clarify problems in the partnership,
- stay in contact with your partner,
- to consider whether adoption is an option,
- find the time to say goodbye to the desire to have children,
- to come to terms with an unfulfilled desire to have children,
- develop a plan B.
Exchange of experience in self-help groups
You will benefit from a self-help group if you want to talk to other sufferers. You can talk about all your feelings, fears and hopes in a protected environment. No one will be embarrassed to remain silent or trivialize your grief. You will learn how others deal with this difficult life situation and benefit from their experiences. You will also receive information about the desire to have children. However, a self-help group cannot replace psychosocial counseling or psychotherapeutic treatment. However, it can effectively complement them.
