Interview with bestselling author Stefanie Stahl
Stefanie Stahl is not only Germany's best-known psychologist, her bestseller "Das Kind in dir muss Heimat finden" (The child in you must find a home) can now be found in every second household in Germany.
The guide has been translated into 30 languages and is a Spiegel bestseller for the fifth time in a row. An outstanding achievement! In an interview with the pme Familienservice , Stefanie Stahl explains the influence parents have on the development of a child's self-esteem and why it is worth taking a critical look at this.
Her book "The child within you must find a home" is a great success. Many millions of people have already dealt with their inner child. How do you explain this?
I think the book is so successful because it helps so many people. In the first step, it helps them to recognize themselves, and in the second step, to help themselves through it.
What could be the reason why many people stand in their own way and need outside help?
First of all, life itself is not that easy. It presents us with a number of problems and challenges. That is in the nature of life. In addition, people are burdened with a lot of self-doubt and low self-esteem. Many people fundamentally doubt that they are enough or that they can cope with life. And this actually always has to do with their own childhood, for example because they received the wrong messages from their parents. The first years of life in particular are very formative for self-esteem. This is exactly where my book comes in. The more I feel that I am okay the way I am, the more I can give myself permission to be myself. And the less I have to bend and work myself to death to please other people.
How big a part do parents play in the development of self-esteem?
We have two main influences: One is genetics. Children are born with different dispositions. Some are a little more anxious and sensitive, others a little more robust. The second influence is our most important caregivers, such as our mother and father. Our brain formats itself in the early childhood phase. A lot now depends on whether they give us the feeling that they love us or whether we are a burden to them. The decisive factor with parents is firstly their presence at all times and secondly their empathy.
When you are working on yourself, it is important to look at this imprint and ask: "What have I received? Then think: "What really belongs to me? What can stay and what is actually something that belongs to my parents?". For example, if my parents were constantly stressed and I felt like I was a burden or that I had to adapt and fulfill expectations, then that actually belonged to my parents and not to me. They gave me that feeling because they were stressed. I, on the other hand, was totally fine as a child and had the right for them to welcome me and take time for me. If I still think I'm a burden today, it has nothing to do with today, but with the past.
You say that everyone has an "inner child" that is shaped by positive beliefs such as "I am good the way I am" ("sun child") and negative beliefs such as "I am not good enough" ("shadow child"). Can people whose shadow child is particularly pronounced also use this positively for themselves?
The shadow child is a metaphor. It sounds a bit esoteric, but it's basically an image for the negative imprints that everyone has received. There are no perfect childhoods. We all have some kind of issue from our childhood, even if it's just a small thing. And it's not about confining the shadow child within its boundaries, but integrating it. For example, if I have the belief "I'm not enough" because my parents didn't give me the feeling that I was okay, then today it's about recognizing that I didn't have it easy with my parents in the past, but that I was completely okay. We have to stop identifying with false messages from our parents.
Do all people have a shadow child, or are there also people who only have a sun child within them? Or do they rather lack the necessary self-reflection to recognize it?
For some this is true, others are deluding themselves. Some think they had a great childhood, but on closer inspection it turns out to be self-deception. But there are also people who grew up in good circumstances and were born with a sunny disposition.
And yet: the imprinting of every brain is highly subjective - the cultural influences, the generation in which you were born, the values and norms of the respective generation ... That's why it's always interesting to ask yourself in a self-reflective way what your own influences were. Some people who had a very loving childhood may go through life naively because they think that the world out there is always as perfect as it was with mom and dad. Then they are surprised when they are disappointed. They may have a different lesson to learn.
Which people do you think have it easier in professional life: those who have only had good experiences or those who have mainly had bad experiences?
You can't generalize that. Professionally, this shadow child can also be a great motivator. People who chronically feel that they are not enough are very hard-working. They have an insane ambition to have a great career because they want to prove to the world that they are enough. The question is always: how far does that go? Many people who suffer burnout are over-adapted. They want to please everyone and don't feel their limits. People who have very good self-esteem and for whom their career is not so important sometimes fall short of their potential professionally. It always depends a little on how they deal with it and compensate for their experiences. However, it is more the case that people with low self-esteem tend to conform - either too much by trying to please everyone or too little by doing their own thing.
Do you already have a new project in the pipeline?
I'm currently working on the manuscript for my new book, which will be published in the fall. In it, I explain how the human psyche is structured, also using therapy examples.
I'm also going on tour with Lukas Klaschinski from April with a stage program. It's already sold out everywhere, which I'm very pleased about. And then a brand new card game to accompany my book "So bin ich eben!" has just been published and is available in bookshops everywhere.
