4 phases of grief: the grieving process and coping with grief
In order to better understand yourself in your own grief or other grieving people, it helps to know the basics about grief and its phases and what is important and helpful in the individual phases of grief.
How long grief lasts varies greatly, and the duration of the individual phases can also vary completely. The nature and duration of the grieving process are determined by the personality of the mourner, the circumstances of the death and the relationship with the deceased. The death of a person always comes as a shock, even if it is not unexpected.
Grief phase 1: Despair, helplessness, helplessness
Often the first reaction is not yet being able to believe what has happened.
This first phase of grief is predominant. Many people are then frozen, distraught and apathetic. Others get out of control and break down. This phase can last from a few hours to several weeks.
In this phase, it is important and helpful to support mourners where they are overwhelmed, e.g. by taking care of everyday errands. It can also be supportive if help is given with the arrangements in connection with the death.
It is important in this phase that the grieving person does not feel left alone and is allowed to express all their feelings:
- Do not leave mourners alone.
- Be there without asking too many questions .
- Give warmth and compassion.
- It is important that all feelings of the mourners are allowed: everything is allowed!
Mourning phase 2: Emerging emotions
The second phase of grief is characterized by bursting emotions. Anger and rage can be directed towards God and the world or towards the deceased or even towards oneself.
Agonizing feelings of guilt can arise that torment the mourner. Suffering, pain and fear can come to the surface.
All these feelings that emerge at this time should by no means be suppressed. They help the grieving person to process the pain better. The duration of this phase is difficult to estimate, ranging from a few weeks to several months.
It is important and helpful during this mourning phase:
- Allow emotional outbursts, as they can be healing.
- Do not distract yourself from unresolved problems, questions of guilt and conflicts. This only encourages repression, which can lead to a delay in the grieving process.
- Do not talk out your feelings of guilt. Don't affirm them either, but simply acknowledge them.
- Be there, listen and take part.
Mourning phase 3: Searching and separating
In the third phase of grief, the focus is on searching and separating. We react to every loss by searching - for what was and what was important. We take a look back in order to come to rest. This is an important step.
For example, some mourners adopt habits of the deceased, such as the ritual of filling a bird bath. Sometimes shared experiences with the deceased are collected like "gems" and everything is reviewed in memory: "I can still remember when he or she was....". In inner dialogues, we try to clarify open points.
This intense confrontation often creates a strong sense of encounter in the mourner. This is incredibly painful and infinitely beautiful at the same time! This search often leads to deep despair because the darkness is still so powerful. Suicidal thoughts are relatively common in this phase. This phase can last weeks, months or years.
In this phase, it is important and helpful to ...
- that all experiences of the past may be expressed - there must be no censorship!
- Patience and listening are important - even if you already know all the stories.
- Take the feelings seriously.
- Give the mourner time to grieve and do not force them to accept the loss.
- Offer support with approaches to reorientation.
After the pain has been shouted out, accusations and reproaches have been made, inner calm and peace gradually return. Then comes the fourth phase.
Mourning phase 4: Acceptance and separation
In this 4th mourning phase, the mourner slowly recognizes that life goes on. The time comes to make new plans again.
In most cases, the mourner's attitude to life has changed. Because the grieving process has left its mark. The deceased remains a part of this life and lives on in memories and remembrance.
In this phase it is important that ...
- the grieving person can also let go of you as a companion.
- They themselves accept that they are no longer needed.
- They recognize: Grief changes people. For example, some gain greater independence (e.g. they are better at saying no and setting themselves apart). It is up to you to accept this.
In conclusion, there is no "one" typical feeling or "one" typical reaction to the loss of a loved one. Accompanying a bereaved person requires a high degree of empathy, openness and flexibility from you.
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