Episode 42: Farewell and new beginnings? Women in midlife

• why Katja thinks it's important to go your own way in midlife,
• how she experiences changes in her sexuality and self-perception,
• what role courage plays for them in making a new start after separation and loss,
• how she deals with physical and emotional challenges in midlife,
• what helped her when her life plans changed due to illness and strokes of fate,
• how friendships and relationships have given her stability in times of crisis.

Read the abridged interview version of the podcast here: 

In the podcast, Katja Lewina talks about being single for the first time in her life. In the past, she quickly started a new relationship after it ended so that she wouldn't have to endure being alone. Now she is discovering a wide range of possibilities - she is fascinated by who she can be without a partner.

Oliver Schmidt: Why do topics like separation and new beginnings come up so much around the age of 40?

Katja Lewina: Around 40, we really start to feel the effects of ageing for the first time. The children get bigger, there is more room for self-reflection: Am I happy with my partnership, my job? The hamster wheel flattens out, you have more experience and time to ask yourself uncomfortable questions. You realize that you have passed your peak - you are approaching the end rather than the peak.

I also had a genetic heart condition with an uncertain prognosis and physical limitations. This brought up these issues for me earlier than for others, but also increased my quality of life because I am more grateful for what works.

How does this illness affect your everyday life and your view of the future?

Katja Lewina: Physically, I have limitations that I have to accept, and of course there are fears about what lies ahead. But this confrontation has also taught me to appreciate life more intensely and to be grateful for the moments when things are going well. I think that gives me a certain quality of life that I might not have without this experience.

How has this experience shaped your attitude towards change and new beginnings?

Katja Lewina: It has shown me how precious time is and how important it is to be courageous. I now see changes, such as separations or professional reorientation, more as opportunities than threats. Sometimes life can't be planned and I've learned that even in difficult situations I have resources within me that I can build on.

Katja Lewina photographed by Julija Goyd

How do women experience the midlife crisis?

Katja Lewina: Unlike the cliché of the sports car and the young partner - that's more of a male image. Women often no longer want to please everyone. Hormonal changes during the menopause change a lot of things. Many women start to focus more on themselves, rediscover themselves and say: "I no longer want to please". For me, that's much more exciting than the male cliché.

How does sexuality change during this phase of life?

Katja Lewina: Many women rediscover their sexuality or experience changes due to the menopause, such as lubrication problems or loss of libido. But there are always solutions, and the experience often opens a new door. The body and mind are never finished - development is always ongoing.

Some couples find that sexuality becomes less important and closeness more so. That's completely okay as long as both of them are happy with it.

You also talked about the difficult loss of your son. How did you deal with it?

Katja Lewina: My son died suddenly at the age of 7, probably from sudden cardiac death. It was a mystery and very difficult to accept. The grief felt like an all-consuming blackness. Over time, I learned to allow this feeling and to ask myself what I needed now. It was also important to know who was good for me and who was not. My relationships intensified as a result. That was a great lesson.

What advice would you give to people who are accompanying someone with such a loss?

Katja Lewina: Just be there, keep asking, offer help - food, flowers, childcare. Even if offers are declined, keep at it. It's not about receiving appreciation, but about giving the person concerned love and energy.

Oversharing should be avoided - it helps to share your own losses, but not to draw attention to yourself.

How do you deal with career changes in midlife?

Katja Lewina: I think it's great when people in midlife study again or start again. It takes courage, but it gives you a lot of energy. You have to let go of limiting thoughts that say: "Now you have to get on with it." I've realized that we often know what we want but don't allow ourselves to go for it.