25.02.2025 Isabel Hempel 1273

Author Katja Lewina on love and sex

Sexuality is as individual as people themselves - and yet many people find it difficult to talk openly about their desires, fantasies and boundaries. What prevents us from doing so? What role do social norms play in this? And how can we communicate honestly in relationships? In this interview with author Katja Lewina , we talk about persistent clichés surrounding libido, closeness, insecurities and the art of staying true to yourself.Photo ©Julija Goyd

"The most important thing is to understand yourself first"

Many couples find it difficult to talk openly about their desires, fantasies or frustrations. Why is that?

Katja Lewina: We learn from an early age what we have to do to be loved - and honestly showing what's on our mind is usually not one of them. In romantic relationships, this then carries over: what we feel could hurt the other person. 

Or we don't want to expose ourselves. There are some things we might think: "You don't do that". And often we don't even feel for ourselves what exactly is going on inside us. Because we haven't learned that either.

Do you have any tips for more honest and informal communication about sex?

Katja Lewina: The most important thing is to understand yourself first: What do I want, what don't I want? Sometimes there's just a vague feeling of dissatisfaction or longing. It's great to get this clear in a conversation if you can't get anywhere on your own. "Help me find out what's going on with me" is a request that no lover will turn down. 

And if you have a specific concern? Then just come out with it as it is. Along with all the shame and all the insecurity and all the lust. It can't get any more honest than that.  

Monogamy, open relationships, polyamory - there are many ways to shape love and partnership. Why do most people still find it so difficult to deviate from the classic relationship between two people?

Katja Lewina: The romantic ideal of "everything with one person forever" is just too strong. The idea of having that one person who makes me happy in every way is super tempting - it almost makes you feel like a child in mother's lap. We prefer to ignore the fact that this doesn't work in the vast majority of cases. After all, there are hardly any role models to prove to us that things can be done differently.

"Non-monogamy is like a burning glass for existing conflicts"

What is the biggest challenge with an alternative relationship model?

Katja Lewina: Many people think: "Then we'll just open up the relationship, that'll certainly add some pep." But non-monogamy is more like a burning glass for existing conflicts; without basic stability, you can quickly drive the whole thing up the wall. 

Especially at the beginning, you are often pushed to your limits and have to communicate constantly: Jealousy can suddenly play a role, you have to make agreements, be honest with each other. That's pretty exhausting. But ideally, it also creates a deep closeness.

Men are often considered to be the "drive-driven" ones, while women are considered to be more "reserved" when it comes to lust. Where do these persistent clichés come from - and how realistic are they really?

Katja Lewina: Education, pop culture and society are all involved in these patriarchal myths that serve to control women's sexuality. Biological reasons are also used for this: For example, a woman is not always hot for sex due to her changing hormone levels, and she is also more selective about her sexual partners. 

At the same time, however, she can have orgasms much more frequently than men and, according to studies, is significantly more aroused than she herself perceives. This suggests that it is precisely the social repression of female sexuality that makes it so difficult for many women to get in touch with their pleasure.

What would it take to talk more openly about female and male libido?

Katja Lewina: It often helps to understand that many of our problems are not as special as we think, but are linked to social structures into which we were born and which have involuntarily shaped us. 

When we start to penetrate them, we often understand ourselves and our counterparts better. That could be a good start.

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