What is needs-based education?
How can we better understand our children's needs and set clear boundaries at the same time? This is what needs-based parenting is all about. The way in which we deal with our needs and feelings and those of our children has a significant influence on the development of our little ones.
An article by Rebecca Brielmaier, trained educator, pedagogue and specialist consultant in the area of parent & child at pme Familienservice.
Table of contents
- What is needs-based education?
- What does needs-based education look like in everyday life?
- What are the advantages of needs-based education?
- What are the needs of children aged 0 to 18?
- How do I recognize my child's needs?
- What is the difference between needs and wants?
- Why are boundaries important? 5 tips for setting boundaries
- Why is self-care so important?
- Conclusion from specialist consultant Rebecca Brielmaier
What is needs-based education?
Needs-based parenting is where the child is allowed to do what they want, isn't it? One of the biggest misconceptions is that needs-based parenting is all about meeting children's needs - always and preferably immediately. That is exactly what it is not.
Needs-based parenting (also known as attachment parenting) means recognizing and respecting a child's emotional, social and physical needs and responding to them sensitively. It is about seeing the world through the child's eyes and taking their feelings seriously. Because every child is unique.
We are therefore required to look at the need behind the respective behavior and what the child really needs. This requires open, respectful and empathetic communication.
At the same time, needs orientation is an attitude that accompanies children in their individual development without coercion, without punishment or violence and without pressure.
What does needs-based education look like in everyday life?
Needs-based parenting in everyday family life means recognizing and understanding what lies behind the child's emotional states, actions and behaviour.
It is about building respectful relationships on an equal footing. With loving interactions, attention and understanding, a relationship of trust is created that is crucial for the healthy emotional development of the child. It is an education without shaming.
Do you know the feeling when your child refuses to do something for no apparent reason or cries because they have the wrong socks on and you don't know how to react? Is your child really being 'defiant' or just trying to tell you something important?
Perhaps your child needs more freedom of choice and wants to be involved. Just like we decide for ourselves every morning what we want to wear.
What are the advantages of needs-based education?
Many parents ask themselves why needs-based parenting makes sense. After all, there are numerous parenting styles that all take different approaches. But what makes needs-based parenting so special?
This approach encourages children to make their own decisions, develop their autonomy and recognize and strengthen their self-worth. And it encourages parents to look at themselves and recognize their limits and needs.
Needs-based parenting places great importance on the parent-child bond and emotional health. Attachment plays a central role here as the basis for children's well-being, trust and healthy emotional development.
Parents show their children that their feelings, needs and temperament are recognized and important without losing themselves in the process. Negative emotions are not ignored. It is about dealing appropriately with anger, fear and frustration.
1. building a secure parent-child bond
By recognizing and understanding your child's needs, you build trust and security. This creates a feeling of security, as your child feels valued, understood and respected. This secure bond forms the basis for healthy development and has a positive effect on your child's self-esteem and resilience.
2. promotion of emotional development
Children often show through anger, impulsiveness or sadness that something is wrong. At a young age, they lack the ability to regulate themselves and consciously control their behavior and thus put their needs aside. Impulses and feelings spill out unfiltered. If you help your child to understand their feelings and show them how to express them, you are positively supporting the development of emotional intelligence.
3. promotion of self-determination and personal responsibility
Children whose needs are recognized and respected develop strong self-confidence and the ability to make their own decisions. They are given space to develop their autonomy, to look at their perceptions, feelings and needs, to understand them and to communicate clearly. This is an important skill for later life.
4. conflict resolution and cooperation
Conflict is not seen as something negative, but as an opportunity for you and your children to develop communication and problem-solving skills. Needs-based parenting helps to reduce conflict and thus promotes harmonious family life. Conflicts are a learning opportunity to work with the children to find constructive solutions that take into account the needs of all family members.
What needs do children have in their different developmental phases? (0 to 18 years)
Needs are what we need to live and survive. The younger children are, the more difficult it is for them to fulfill their needs themselves. They are dependent on their parents recognizing their needs and helping them to satisfy them.
These needs change over the years and are related to the child's physical, emotional, cognitive and social development.
Needs-based education is therefore not limited to a certain age, but can be applied at any stage of life. Nothing is set in stone.
- Babies (0-1 year) need above all attachment and closeness, security and reliable responses to their signals. They develop trust through loving care.
- Toddlers (1-3 years) discover their motor skills, become more agile and explore their environment. They demand more autonomy and space. They also need clear, loving boundaries and a lot of patience from their parents.
- Preschool children (3-6 years) develop their imagination and social skills. Social interactions and friendships become important. Cognitive development progresses and the child shows more interests. Communication and satisfaction of their own needs become stronger.
- School children (6-12 years) have a growing need for intellectual challenges. Peers are becoming increasingly important and children are developing close friendships and demanding more independence and responsibility.
- Adolescents (12-18 years) strive for independence, identity and autonomy. They need freedom and want to cut themselves off from their parents, but at the same time are looking for understanding and emotional support.
How do I recognize my child's needs?
In order to recognize the child's needs, it is important to pay attention to non-verbal signals, behaviour and emotions. Newborn children in particular do not express their needs directly at first, but through facial expressions, gestures and crying.
As they get older, this can also be accompanied by withdrawal or other behaviors. In general, it is important:
- Observe,
- perceive physical signals,
- listen empathically and take emotions seriously.
What is the difference between needs and wants?
Wishes are ideas or a desire for things that go beyond basic needs - they are "nice to have" and individually oriented.
An example: I need food to survive (NEED). The strategy to fulfill the need is to eat something. I can wish for pasta (WISH).
So it's about what children and parents need - rather than what they want.
What is the best way to deal with anger and frustration?
In situations of anger and frustration, it can help to ask yourself these questions:
- Why is my child behaving like this?
- Is it perhaps just a wish?
- What is the need behind it?
- What exactly does my child need now to be happy and balanced again?
However, responding to your child's needs does not mean that everything is allowed. Children also need clear, lovingly set boundaries in order to have orientation and security. Boundaries and needs are not contradictory - on the contrary, they complement each other.
Your 5-year-old child needs to get dressed for kindergarten. Normally he can do this without any help. But today he starts crying, refuses and says that he "can't do it".
Why is my child behaving like this?
The crying and the statement that they "can't do it" could indicate that they feel overwhelmed or insecure in this situation. Perhaps they are tired, had a bad night, or there is a new challenge at nursery that is stressing them out. This behavior indicates a need for support and emotional security.
What does my child need now?
First take a deep breath, because admonishing and urging usually leads to the opposite of what you want. Maybe say: "It's okay if you feel like this today. Let's do this together." You help him get dressed and at the same time give him the feeling that it's okay to accept help.
Why are boundaries important?
Needs-based parenting is not "free play without rules and boundaries". Rather, it is about creating a space in which your child's needs are taken into account while you still provide structure and security . The children can of course be involved here depending on their age and stage of development. Rules and boundaries don't have to be set by the parents alone. Sit down together and find rules that work for your everyday family life.
It is therefore a balance of freedom and clear, respectful rules and boundaries. This creates a trusting relationship in which the child feels secure and supported in their emotional and social development. Setting boundaries is definitely a challenge and requires a lot of energy, patience and understanding. It is therefore important to also consider another aspect: self-care.
5 tips and examples of how you can implement boundaries in everyday life
1. clear and understandable communication: Explain to your child understandably, clearly and directly why a boundary is necessary. It helps your child to better understand instructions and expectations. A simple explanation such as "You need to sleep now so that you are rested tomorrow" helps your child to understand why the rule exists.
2. show empathy: Setting a rule or limit doesn't mean overriding your child's feelings. Show understanding when they are frustrated: "I know you want to keep playing now, but it's time for dinner. You can continue playing after that."
3. offer an alternative: Instead of focusing on what the child didn't get, you could offer your child alternative solutions or options to deal with the situation. "You can either continue playing after dinner or look at a book."
4. flexibility: Rules and boundaries are an essential part of needs-based parenting, but they do not have to be rigid. The needs, the respective situation and the developmental stage of the child are included in your decisions.
5. enable co-determination: Be courageous and let your children participate in decisions when possible. It helps children to feel part of the decision-making process and to better accept the rules and boundaries.
Why is self-care so important?
You have now learned that needs-based parenting focuses on understanding and responding to your child's emotional and physical needs. However, needs-based parenting can also lead to you neglecting your own needs.
Self-care is an essential foundation for needs-based parenting. It allows you to be balanced and attentive to your child's needs while keeping an eye on your own health and well-being. Self-care should not be a luxury, but is necessary to maintain both your own health and the quality of parenting:
- It is important to recognize where your own limits lie.
- It is just as important to accept when you feel exhausted and give yourself permission to take breaks.
- Self-care helps you stay balanced and cope better with the challenges of being a parent.
Children learn primarily by imitation. When you take good care of yourself, you show your child how important it is to take care of themselves. You model healthy habits that promote a child's awareness of self-care and emotional health.
A few final thoughts from Rebecca Brielmaier
Needs-based parenting is more than just a parenting approach. It is an attitude based on understanding, empathy and respectful communication.
The path to this is a journey of constant adaptation and learning from each other. With patience, empathy and self-care, you can successfully navigate this journey and build a strong, loving connection with your child. A mindful balance between clear boundaries, needs-orientation and self-care creates the basis for a loving and respectful upbringing.
Everyone has to decide for themselves how they want to bring up their children. What is right for one family is not necessarily right for another. And even if parents have opted for a needs-oriented parenting style, this does not mean that this will always work in everyday life.
"Children are experts in their own needs. Our job as parents is to support them in understanding and expressing their needs." - Jesper Juul
